Battle Of the Sexes Show Comes to Oakland and Don’t Independent Women Need Love Too?

Boy was my Friday night interesting. I attended the Battleof the Sexes Show. It’s an interactive event/online talk show taping where young urbanites discuss relationships. Founder and Toronto native Telisha Ng of the blog Goddess Intellect kicked off the U.S. tour for the show in OakTown. 

The topics ranged from women getting jealous over their boyfriends buying Mother’s Day gifts for their babies' mamas to gender roles to 3-somes and open marriages. The panel kept the energy flowing: Lincoln Blades of Uptown Magazine, Sharelle D. Lowery of Classy Black Girl, Dante Real of Real Talk Thursdays, and radio personality Kenya G. Williams.  I live Tweeted the May 17^th event. Check my Twitter page for some of the juicy quotes I grabbed from the night.

I really liked a lot of things Dante had to say.  For example when someone mentioned about going Dutch on dates he said, "As a man if I can't pay for your date how could you see me as a provider? I don't do the Dutch thing." I agree 1,000%. 

One comment at the end really struck me. We were discussing gender roles and Lincoln said that some women have become so independent, and so used to being independent, they say they don’t need a man. I’ve heard this before from guys. I want to know who are these women they’re talking about. Who are these “I don’t need a man because I’m hella independent women”? Unfortunately I didn’t get a chance to comment at the event but I am now. 

The fun and fiery panel from l-r: Lincoln, Dante, Sharelle, Kenya

I’m an independent woman. I bring home the bacon, fry it, wipe up the grease and clean the pan. Yes I can and do take care of myself. But I still want a man. Lincoln and Dante both argued that dating is different today because we don’t adhere to traditional gender roles anymore. I agree there is some truth to that. But it doesn’t mean that an independent woman doesn’t want a man or even need a man in her life.

I’d love to have a man in my life to travel with or go to the movies. I’m short and having a man change my ceiling lights so I don't have to climb a ladder would be awesome. I want to go hiking with a man or take long drives. I want to get married and raise a family with a great man. I want that warm, "It's going to be okay hug." Don't you love when a man's strength is gentle?  I want security. And I don’t care how many battery operated devices they make for women, nothing can replace intimacy with another human being you love. In this age, I can do most of the things I listed without a man in my life, including have a baby. But, I want companionship. And I know a lot of my independent friends who hold down a job, home and family want the same thing. That’s not to say there aren’t women holding it down solo who feel a man in pointless in their lives. That’s their prerogative. But they don’t represent all of us independent women.

Battle of the Sexes Show Founder Telisha Ng with Cocoa Fly

After the men voiced their opinions about women and gender roles, Khadija of The Khandi Shoppe broke.it.down. Shame on me for not writing her quote. But she said men need to take some ownership for why women don’t follow traditional roles; because when men leave the home, women have to wear the pants and skirt. I wanted to shout, “Preach!” Don’t get me started on the high rate of single parent, women-headed households in the Black community. If you're a girl and you see your mother, grandmothers and aunts working 8+ hour jobs, cooking dinner, wiping tears, fixing things around the house and pulling out their baseball bat or pistol when there's a thump in the night, how do interpret womanhood? And the same goes for boys. How do they learn to interpret womanhood from their mothers who wear the pants and a skirt? How do they define manhood if their fathers, even grandfathers or uncles, aren't around? Our parents' presence and absence have some shaping in our ideas of relationships.

The Battle of the Sexes Show is a really cool event. The audience submitted questions for discussion. Sometimes I wished we didn’t stay on a topic for so long because I want to hear other questions. But you can’t beat sushi, free Sequin wine, brownies for desert and good conversation. Check out www.battleofthesexsesshow.com to see if the tour is coming to your area.  Get your girls or your boo to go with you and have fun.

Thanks to Sharelle at Classy Black Girl for connecting me to the Battle of the Sexes Show. And congrats to Telisha Ng on her tour! Events like Telisha's make me appreciate how women and people of color can use the internet to show their talents and build communities.

And again, independent women need love too. 

Girl Get Your Mind Right...Tune Out the Mess

Photo by Ana Labate, stock.xchng

Other people and their problems can drive you up.the.wall. Only if you allow it. We're right in the middle of Mental Health Awareness Month. And something that has kept my mind right is telling people, "I don't want to hear that sh!t." Remember that post?

 A family member, who is concerned about a relative of ours because they've been making the same bad choices for 15 years, kept going on and on about this relative during a phone call.  I've been hearing about this person and their foolishness for 15 years. And guess what? That's right, I didn't want to hear that mess. So I told them to stop. Adults know right from wrong. If the person wants to change, they will.  And when they do, I will support them. In the meantime, I can't worry about the relative. I have to take care of my issues. And I've learned worrying doesn't do any good. It doesn't change things. It just makes you look like how the woman must feel in the photo. I was accused of being too tough because I wasn't worrying about the person and didn't want to hear about their drama. Am I concerned? Yes. Worried? I can't live that life.

And so we switched the conversation to another subject. I don't think depriving myself of peace of mind to hear nearly 2-decade old foolishness means I'm "too tough." It just means I care about myself and I'm taking care of myself. Stand up for yourself ladies and tune out the mess.

Cocoa Fly Featured as a BGN Girl in BlackGirlNerds.com

Jenee Darden

I love the website Black Girl Nerds. The title is pretty self explanatory. The website covers all kinds of issues of interests to the black and nerdy sistas. I got picked on in school because I was a nerd. I told Black Girl Nerds founder Jamie Broadnax that I wish this website was around when I was a kid. Of course when I was a kid, there was no commercial-use internet.

The great thing about being a nerd is that it usually pays off once you grow up. And you even get to be featured as a BGN Girl, as I am. It saddens me that in my community, some people label intelligence as a "white thing." Remember when Michelle Obama talked to school girls about being told she "talked like a white girl" because she spoke proper English as a kid? I heard the same thing from kids and adults when I was growing up. How unfortunate SOME of us associate being smart as a "white thing" when black people have contributed so much to mathematics, science, medicine and the arts. We would be crashing into each other on the road constantly if Garrett Morgan had not invented the traffic signal. God bless Dr. Charles Drew because there wouldn't be blood banks if it weren't for his genius. And don't get me started on the mathematic brilliance of the Ancient Egyptians. Octavia Butler, Phillis Wheatley, Mary McCleod Bethune and Ida B. Wells were all bright women. And I could name more.  

Intelligence isn't strictly a "white thing."  My parents taught me about black history. If more people knew their roots, I don't think some people would be as quick to say someone is "acting white" because they're curious and want to learn.

Check out the post on BlackGirlNerds.com when I talk about being a nerd and a geek. I unapologetically love comic books, PBS, libraries, documentaries, NPR, museums, history, writing and office supply stores. That's who I am and I'm just fine.

Thank you again to Black Girl Nerds for featuring me.

Girl Get Your Mind Right...Get A Massage

Ladies, there are things we have to do to take care of our entire being, and that includes our minds. May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Periodically this month,  I'll post content related to  taking care of yourself.

I know some of you are stressed out because of school, the kids, your man, your woman, your crazy girlfriend who keeps calling you about  her crazy boyfriend, work, graduations, planning summer vacations, paying bills, car repairs, your health, your loved one's health, etc. I could go on.

Stress is not good for your body, your soul, nor your MIND. Here's a throwback post to when I went to the spa my first time with natural hair. I know the weekend just passed. However, I'm posting about massages today so you can make your appointment for the weekend.

Massages can be great for your mental health and getting your mind right. I can hear the spa music  right now.

Read on:
http://www.cocoafly.com/2011/09/natural-hair-and-spa-experience.html?

Cocoa Fly and IMAN BB Creme Giveaway Winners!

Thank you to all who entered the contest. It was really tough to pick 1 winner because the entries were so good. But there's good news, IMAN is going to hook up 3 Cocoa Fly readers with prize packs. Narrowing it down to three still wasn't easy. So thank you all for your thorough entries.

And the winners are...

Taisha S.
California

"Being a busy mom with two kids does not really allow the luxury of purchasing, let alone the time for applying foundation on a regular basis. This product sounds as though I can use my finger to apply it while driving the kids to soccer practice! Now that's what I call multi-tasking! That's one thing I always feel good about!"

April B. 

Indiana

"I got an IUD and have been hit by a terrible spate of facial acne.  It would be great to have an appropriate BB cream to help even out my tone and nourish my skin as I try to get it back to normal."

Brandi R.

Illinios

" I am....33 years old (I had to think about it! LOL) and still suffer from acne.  Sometimes it's worse than what I experienced as a teenager.  I have recently found a renewed self-confidence and these breakouts definitely take away some of that umph in my step.  With foundation, I struggle to find the right shade for my skin so I end up looking gray and ashy or like an oompa loompa.  Neither of which is a good look.  I've wanted to try a BB creme but was hesitant to buy the typical drug store brands because they don't typically match my skin tone. "

 Thank you again for your answers everyone. And congrats to the winners!

My Bon Jovi Concert Experience, the Best Bootleg T-Shirt Story Ever, and Why People Need to Put Down Their Phones at Live Concerts to Enjoy the Moment Instead of Trying to Record and Tweet Everything

The entire band. I missed Richie. :(

I am so happy I listened to some of you and went to the Bon Jovi concert solo last week. I had sooooo much fun. It was worth the 1-hour drive in rush hour to San Jose. They played for 3-hours straight, no break.  I rocked out to all of my favorite songs: “Runaway,” “You Give Love a Bad Name,” “Wanted Dead or Alive,” “It’s My Life,” songs from their new album What About Now and so on. I wish I was sitting near the front with a pack of Walmart panties that I could toss on the stage when Jon Bon Jovi was singing, “Bed of Roses.”  I love that song. And he looked so good singing it in all black and a leather jacket. I can’t believe he’s in his early 50’s. He looks great and can still move.

I took this photo then my got my dance on at the show. 

Cocoa Fly right before the show. I'm hyped! 

In regards to having moves, unfortunately I can’t say the same for everyone at the concert.  From what I saw at the concert and discovered via a thread on the Bon Jovi app (I think I have a problem), the audience ages ranged from 10 to 70. Most people I saw were in their 40’s and 50’s. Most of the people in my section didn’t dance. I know people in their 60’s and 70’s who still dance. Initially I tried not to stand up too much out of respect to the couple behind me. When I turned fully around in my seat,  I noticed they were filming the concert and taking pictures with their smartphones. Who goes to a rock concert just to film it?! We weren’t even that close to the stage to get a good shot. I guess they were filming the screen.  When I saw they were filming, I stood up and danced like I didn’t have to go work the next day. I’ve wanted to see Bon Jovi live for about 10 years now, I had on my tight jeans, cute red halter top, and I paid quite a bit for my ticket. Cocoa Fly was going to rock it out. I was the only one in my row dancing. Everyone else was either on their phone taking photos or sitting like they were at home on their couch.  Even Jon told the crowd in the beginning, “Stand up! This is not television. This is a live show!” Are we so accustomed to looking at our phones and computer screens that we don’t know how to enjoy a live show?

This car was parked near and it made my night. It's a Trans Am.
Check out the plates. I love the '80s. 

Okay I know you’re wondering what’s up with the t-shirt drama. Well, the t-shirts at the concert were $45 and up. I love Bon Jovi, but no way. I walk out of the arena after the show and brotha man/bootlegger rolls up to me and ask if I want to buy a t-shirt. Here’s what followed:

Me: I was wondering if ya’ll would be out here. How much?

Bootlegger: $20

Me: (in my E. Oakland voice): 20 dollaz?!
Bootlegger: A’ight, a’ight it’s late I’m trying to rid of these. How about $10?
Me: Okay cool. What size is this shirt?

Bootlegger: A medium

Me: You have a small?

Bootlegger: Yeah, hold up.

This t-shirt has been to dark places. 

I’m thinking he’s going to head to some car in the back of the parking lot and get a small t-shirt. Instead he reaches down his pants near his right hip, in the space between his boxers and jeans, and pulls out a size small. The lady behind me sees the whole thing and asks, “Do you have an extra Large?” He reaches around to his left hip and pulls out an XL. He had the t-shirts organized by size down his pants! You know what’s crazy? I bought the shirt. LOL!  Today the shirt it is both unworn and in my hamper because I don’t know if it touched anything or something touched it. I have spoken to New Yorkers and they’ve never heard of such a t-shirt hustle.

And that  folks is my first Bon Jovi concert experience. I looked cute. I had fun. I got my rock on. And I bought a $10 t-shirt out of someone’s pants. Not everyone can say the same. The only thing that could’ve made it better was if I had front row seats. Next time. I wish Richie Sambora was there but his fill-in did a good job. According to Jon Bon Jovi, he left the tour for “personal reasons.” The rumor is he wants more money. I’ve also heard it may be substance abuse issues. I wish him well. His absence gives me an excuse to see them again when they tour. And I will be in one of the front rows wearing a clean t-shirt.  

IMAN BB Crème Review and Giveaway

For the last few years, BB creams seem to have been the rave in cosmetics. I didn’t know much about them, except that they're very popular in Asia. But from my research BB stands for Beauty Balm or Blemish Balm. It’s an all-in-one product that can even tone, moisturize and protect your skin. In Asian markets it’s a skin lightener as well. And I understand there aren’t many BB cream options for women of color.  But the IMAN cosmetics brand is about embracing all colors of skin and enhancing your natural beauty. The company founded by the Supermodel/Mrs. David Bowie/Businesswoman Iman recently released their own. It’s called IMAN SkinTone Evener BB Crème. And it comes in 6 shades, ranging from sandy brown to rich dark brown skin. I love IMAN products because they cover a wide scope of skin complexions.

I tried IMAN BB Crème. I have some good news and not so good news about my experience with the IMAN BB Creme. I’ll start with the not so good news. I picked the wrong shade. Look at the “After” photo of me below. See how my skin has a slight tint of a rustic brown color? The IMAN website has a “Find Your Shade” section with models of various skin complexions. I picked the model that I thought closely resembled my skin color. But it wasn’t the right match for me.

The good news is that I like the BB Crème. It goes on very, very light. It doesn’t dry out your skin.  In fact, my skin felt moisturized when I put it on. I assume that’s due to almond, aloe and Vitamins A, C and E ingredients. I love that it has sunscreen in it. I know people think that black folks can’t get sun cancer, and that is not true. Our melanin provides some sun protection, but we still should wear sunscreen.

Back to the IMAN BB Crème, I don’t wear foundation often.  My skin is fairly clear and even. But if I can find the right match to my skin, I will definitely wear this in place of foundation when those blemishes do pop up. Check out the second picture. I’m in a different light and the BB Crème looks pretty good on me here. But I want to find the right shade that looks good in any light.

And I forgot to mention a MAJOR reason why I like the product is because it is paraben-free.

Now time for the giveaway! One lucky winner will get an IMAN Cosmetics pack with lipstick, blush, BB Crème trial samples, etc. Best answer to this question wins:

IMAN BB Crème evens skin tone, hydrates skin, protects your skin, etc. Why would a BB Crème make you feel better about your skin?

Email your answer to me at cocoaflyblog@gmail.com with your name and mailing address. I’ll post the winning answer. Deadline is May 1^st. Good luck!

FTC Disclosure: Any and all product is being donated to CocoaFly.com by IMAN Cosmetics for participation in the trial program.  These items are not intended as payment for any favorable opinions. 

You’re Never Too Old to Feel Sexy

Granny's Makeup Bag
Photo by Jenee Darden

Look what I found on my grandmother’s bathroom counter. I have three grandmothers, two biological (of course) and one through marriage. I won’t put the owner of this makeup bag on blast and say which grandma owns this bag. Honestly, all three of them bring their on spice to life. Any one of them could be the owner.

I discovered the “Sexy” bag on my grandma’s bathroom counter during an after-church Sunday visit. I playfully asked my grandma who was the owner of the makeup bag. I knew it was hers since she’s the only woman in the house. She was kind of coy and acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about. Then she told me she bought it because of the color, not the word on the bag. I challenged her on that excuse. She raised her voice and said, “I bought it three years ago!” When she bought the bag is totally irrelevant but I guess that was her best defense. LOL

Honestly, I thought it was cool she owned the bag. And I loved it even more that she had the bag out after returning from church. Knowing that my 70-something year old grandmother had this velvety-textured cosmetic bag with the word “Sexy” blinged out across it made me appreciate her as a woman even more.  I guess no matter how old a woman may be, she still wants to feel sexy. She still wants to look pretty and feel desired.  And my grandmother deserves to feel that way, just as her granddaughter.

You Better Talk to Your Kids About Sex

Photo by Hey Paul Studios

Every year my sorority hosts an event to empower youth called Youth Symposium. Chapters throughout the country do it. A local chapter asked if I could fill in for a presenter who had to cancel. She was a doctor scheduled to talk about sex and self-esteem. Most of the girls who attended were in middle school. I invited a colleague who is an outstanding youth and does mental health advocacy to co-present with me.  My sorors asked us to just speak about self-esteem.

Well, when we got there, the girls were insistent that we talk about sex too. It was hilarious. When I asked them to write questions about self-esteem, they didn’t have many. But when I told them they could include sex questions, WHEW those girls got to scribbling. I actually applaud them for speaking up for what they wanted. I figured I could handle the sex talk. I’ve written about black sexuality, have presented on sex and mental health, took classes on human sexuality and physiology, and I was in middle school once. I got this. Right?

I’m preparing myself to answer questions like, “What is ejaculation.” Or “When a woman gets pregnant why…?” What was I thinking? They wanted to know, “How do you say no to sex?” “What’s the difference between a booty call and when he wants you to come over?” “What does it mean when a woman likes rough sex?” All of these questions led me to believe some of the girls are probably sexually active. I wasn’t asking these kinds of questions until my 20’s, especially the one about rough sex.  Mind you, these aren’t high school students. They’re middle school girls.

One student, who looked no older than 13, told me a guy was pressuring her to have sex. She asked him, “Do you want to pay child support?” She shut him down!

We answered their questions. And I didn’t judge because I wanted them to be honest. My colleague and I encouraged them to ask whatever they want because we’d rather them learn from us than the hard way.

Teen pregnancy is supposed to be down. But as the CDC reports, teen pregnancy is highest about African-American and Latino youth. And the girls we spoke to were black and brown. One girl asked, “Why do teens get pregnant?” I answered there are multiple reasons: lack of access to birth control, lack of education about sex and sexuality, esteem etc.

 While teen pregnancy is low, pre-teens are having sex. And sex means intercourse or oral sex.

We still spoke about self-esteem as well. If I knew they were prepared to cause a revolt if sex wasn’t being discussed, I would have been more prepared. I would have encouraged masturbation and talked more about boys being accountable for their sexual behavior. So much is put on girls, but we need to tell these horny little boys to keep their zippers up or get them a bulk supply of lotion to take care of themselves.

Another thing I found just researching articles is that a lot of youth don’t use protection when they have sex. I hope you’re talking to your kids about sex. I imagine it’s not easy to think that your baby girl may be having oral sex. Or your son is poking girls with his one-eyed monster. But these kids are doing it! And if they’re not doing it, someone is trying to get them to do it. Or it’s on their mind. To some degree they can’t help it. Listen to the music, especially today’s hip hop. Most of the mainstream songs are about money, clubs and “hoes.” And I still don’t get why rappers call girls hoes when they sleep around with a lot of women. Doesn’t that make them hoes too? I hear some of those rappers sleep with men too. But I digress.

Another reason why some of our youth are turned on is the internet. Remember back in the day how hard it was to get porn? The magazine aisle in the bookstore or grocery store had them. But they were covered in plastic and I believe you had to be a certain age to buy them. What young kid wants to walk up to a CVS register with a Penthouse for everyone in line to see? Another way was boys went through dad’s collection. That’s a lot of sneaking. Now, kids can just look on their phones for porn and no one has to know.

After our presentation I contacted my teenaged sister and told her to ask me ANYTHING about sex. Just talk to your kids, educate them. It makes a difference. My mom taught me about sex but I had aunts who made themselves available to me when I didn’t feel comfortable talking to my mother. Sex ed, having people to talk to and making school a priority kept my undies up until college.

Talk to your kids. I’m telling you it makes a difference. And don’t make them feel bad about having sexual feelings. I told the girls that it’s okay to have sexual feelings. It’s natural. Sex feels good. Making out feels good. Heavy petting feels good. But early pregnancy and STDs don’t. And remind them, both girls and boys, that there is more to them than what’s between their legs or what they can do with their mouth. Their value doesn’t lie with their sexual abilities or willingness. They have so much more to offer the world.

Just FYI… Here’s a great personal of teen pregnancy from ForHarriet.com

http://www.forharriet.com/2012/03/why-black-girls-get-pregnant-at-19.html

Here’s some info from Oprah.com about having the “sex talk” with your children.

http://www.oprah.com/showinfo/How-to-Talk-to-Your-Kids-About-Sex-with-Dr-Laura-Berman

When You Don’t Trust Your Doctor

 Recently I went to the OBGYN for a procedure; an invasive, painful procedure that after some research I found that I didn’t need. Actually, the doctor said I didn’t need it, but wanted to do it just to be safe. I won’t go into details of what happened, but let’s just say, “How Many Dull Blades Must You Cut The Patient With Until You Find the Sharpest One?” was not fun. In fact it was carless on the doctor’s part. I left the hospital upset. I cried in the car because I knew what I went through was bullshit. When I did more research at home, and saw it unnecessary for my case, I was really angry. I was angry at myself for trusting some doctor, who I’ll call Dr. DB (for Dull Blade) that made me feel like a 2^nd-year med school experiment. I was upset because I didn’t know if the nicks with the dull blades would cause an infection. Being in pain didn’t help either. This all got me to thinking about trusting medical professionals with your body. There are good doctors. And there are some who barely made it out of med school or got their degree at a drive through window. Just because they have those letters behind their name, doesn’t mean they have your best interest. Nor does it mean they know what’s best for you. 

This wasn’t my first encounter with a foolish physician. Around the age of 3 or 4 I was accidentally given adult medication at my grandparent’s home. My mother found me under the dining room table, curled up in a deep sleep. I was on some Lil’ Wayne, sizzurp OD sleep. My mother rushed me to the hospital. We get to the hospital and the doctor tells my mother that I need more drugs. Does that make any damn sense? Thank God my mother’s a smart woman and thought pumping my little borderline OD body with more drugs would probably kill me. She called my pediatrician and he said no more drugs for me. Luckily I have lived to tell this story. What my mother did was great. She could’ve easily listened to that idiot doctor out of panic. But she was skeptical and got a second opinion. Those two actions saved my life.

Sometimes you have to bring in a supporter with you to the doctor. They’ll step up their game if they know their patient has someone keeping an eye on them. I don’t know any doctor who wants a witness to their mistakes. I wish my grandfather had done this early on during his bout with cancer. When he began to lose his voice, the quack doctor he was going to gave him antibiotics and said it was some kind of infection. Even I, the B biology student knew that didn’t make any sense. My grandfather kept getting worse. But he wouldn’t allow any of us to go with him to the doctor. Well, after convincing him to switch doctors they ran proper tests on him and found it was throat cancer. Sometimes I wonder if would he still be around had he allowed someone with him early on to his hospital visits.

I can tell you other horror stories. My sorority sister is a doctor and she always tells me, “Don’t get sick,” because of the dumb, careless things some doctors and nurses do in hospitals. Working in mental health advocacy, I’ve heard stories about psychiatric hospitals that will seriously make you cry. I’m lucky that I have a great general med doctor. And even if I didn’t agree with her 100%, I’d get a second opinion.

I learned a tough lesson from Dr. DB. A  white coat, or h “Dr” in front of their name, doesn’t always equate to solid expert. I’ve heard stories of doctors who like to perform surgeries and recommend them to patients for the heck of it. Despite researching what to possibly expect during the appointment, despite Dr. DB saying I didn’t need the procedure, I let my guard down a bit when Dr. DB said they wanted to take a sample “just to be safe.” And the doctor telling me twice I was fine before performing the procedure should’ve been a red flag. But I’m not going to beat myself up for Dr. DB’s bad call. I’ll just use it as a reminder for the next time I visit the doctor, dentist, etc.

And there have been times when a doctor suggested a certain treatment or drug for me that I knew was ludicrous and I told them no. But what happened last week to my body, to me, will not happen again.

I encourage you to do your research before going to a doctor if you can. If they want to do a procedure, research it before saying yes. The web is not always accurate when it comes to health. But forums can be really helpful because there are others on there with the same experience or symptoms as you and can talk about it. And get a 2^nd, 3^rd opinion. Also follow your gut. If the doctor is a poor communicator, doesn’t make sense, seems like an idiot or just comes off as if he/she could care less, than you may want to think about hopping off of that exam table quick.  

Take care of your body. Love your body. Protect your body.

**I am not a medical expert. Consult your doctors before making any changes to medical care and/or routines.