Holy Cow! I Can't STAND Fifty Shades of Grey's Anastasia Steele

***SPOILER ALERT! DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE NOVEL***

I had to see what the hype was over Fifty Shades of Grey. I've studied erotic lit, but this was my first time reading BDSM fiction. I heard E L James' writing isn't great and the storyline is fluffy. I don't mind fluff. Sometimes I need a break from serious reading. I also heard the novel is far from being good erotica. But no one warned me about one of the most annoying characters I have ever read in my life-- Anastasia Steele.

Anastasia Steele should be named Anastasia Cotton. She is far from being strong. The college senior falls for Christian Grey. He's a hot, rich, powerful, young businessman who has a hard time getting turned on unless it involves him inflicting control or pain. He's into BDSM and Anastasia is in love. She's desperate to have Grey. So desperate, that she’ll submit to BDSM fetishes. Grey is her first lover and her introduction to sex is through bondage and control. Ouch. That wouldn't be a problem to me if she weren't so thirsting for his love.

The girl is pathetic and her self-esteem is low. Everyone says she's beautiful, but Anastasia can't see it.  And she's immature. She's a grown woman saying things like, "Holy cow, what is he going to do now?" or "Holy crap, I made him mad." Anastasia is a 20-ish college student with a passion for classic British literature. Yet, "holy crap" is the best the author can do with Anastasia's dialogue?  She sounds more like a teenager than a college senior. The repetitive use of "holy cow" and "holy crap" was getting on my nerves. Unfortunately Anastasia is the narrator, so it's hard to escape her whining, uncertainties, desperation and pathetic thoughts.  And don't get me started on this "inner goddess," she refers to, which I assume is the "empowering" voice of her conscious. And I use "empowering" loosely.

As for naughty boy Christian Grey,

he's an abusive, controlling, stalker. He is not boyfriend material. I know he's hella fine, but I couldn't date him seriously. Now, if he wanted to be tied up at night and cook French toast for me in the morning, then we could talk (I don't know why I envision Christian Bale when I read about Grey).  But Grey has issues.  He's a victim of molestation. His mother's friend introduced him to BDSM when he was a teen. The man needs help. He warns Anastasia from the beginning that he's not a flowers and hearts kind of guy because of his past. I liked his honesty and wanted to learn his secrets.  He's so damaged that sleeping in a bed with a woman after sex is too much for him.  But the goddess of desperation takes the hits, hair tugs, necktie burns and spankings for his "love." She interprets his following her to Georgia when she told him not to, buying her a new car, cellphone, etc. as "love." The guy is so controlling that he has his women inspected with his own hired gynecologist. He treats women like property.

I sense the author wrote this book as to be both erotic and romantic. But there's nothing romantic about these two. Yeah, he takes Anastasia to meet his parents, something he never does. And his family is so happy to see he's dating. I feel the only reason why Christian is with Anastasia is because he can control her.

Other things I'm not feeling:
--The author uses British language, but the characters are Americans and live in the U.S.  Americans don't say, "I'll fetch the mail." That's British lingo.

--At times the book reads like a broken record. I can't count how many times Christian says, "Don't bite your lip" or "Don't roll your eyes."  And you know how I feel about that "holy crap, holy cow" stuff.

--Anastasia is a grown woman with a college degree and can't say "vagina." I think only one time in the novel she says, "vagina." Usually she refers to it as, "my sex." Am I reading a Harlequin novel or erotica?

I might have finished the trilogy if Anastasia wasn't the narrator. And I hear from other readers her character has not developed.  This was my first BDSM novel, so the sex scenes weren't bad to me. They lose their heat when Anastasia's voice comes in the picture. I think being naïve and experimental can be sexy in erotica. But poor Anastasia wants this man so bad, that she drastically lowers her standards.  She'll accept an ass spankin' over a hug just so Christian Grey will touch hair. That's sad. I would have had more respect for Anastasia if she was with Christian to explore her sexuality and wasn't in love.

On the upside, the novel has given sex shops more business because readers want to buy the toys mentioned in the book. That's good for the economy. And reading the novel has caused me to start reading good erotica again. I haven't picked it up in a long time. I hope strong erotic writers benefit from Fifty Shades' popularity.   

Finishing the novel was like saying goodbye to an annoying woman at your friend's get together. You don't understand why your friend invited her, but you're so happy when the annoying friend leaves.  And you toast a glass of Stella Rosa to not having to hear her silly stories again. 

Did I like the book? Hell no.  Am I going to see the movie? Hell yeah! LOL I hope the movie is better than the book. Who do you want to see play Christian Grey?