Dear Mr. John Mayer:
The National Hood Association enjoys hearing you play the guitar. But your mouth has become a problem. Lately, when you open it for discussion, a hot toxic mess of oral diarrhea seems to dump out. Like that craziness you shared in your now infamous Playboy interview. You said you have a "hood pass." Who gave you this pass? Or did you print a fake one off of your computer? One of the roles of the National Hood Association is to make sure honorary hood passes are not distributed anymore. Living in the ghetto is not to be taken for granted. Life in the hood is hard. Poverty is rough. Life as a black or brown man isn't easy either. John, you have soul but that doesn't qualify you for hood status. Maybe you thought you were "down" because of your appearance on "Chapelle's Show" and your collaborations with Jay Z. Or was it your performance at THE black funeral, Michael Jackson? Sorry to tell you this but Dave Chapelle, Jigga and the Jacksons aren't gatekeepers to the hood. We love them, but let's be real. They don't even live in the hood anymore.
We assume you think your phony hood pass entitles you to say the words "nigger", "fags" and disrespect women? Maybe you're trying to emulate black masculinity from what you've seen in some hip hop videos and other media. All black men don't use the N-word, the F-word or disrespect women. Although you apologized for dropping the N-bomb, that wasn't the only foul in your interview. You better pray Kerry Washington doesn't call Cousin Pookie and order a beat down for telling Playboy, "Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, “Yeah, I sucked his d--k. Whatever.'"
John you ain't right. And FYI, people in the hood are protective over our black entertainers who are doing positive things. If what you said about Kerry is true, why tell the world and hurt her reputation? If it's false, why lie? Sistas are sexualized enough as it is. And black women have it tough in Hollywood. You should know this since you claim to be an honorary brotha. Kerry may want to skip the call to Pookie and reach her lawyers instead. Lord we miss Johnnie Cochran. And please stop media-pimping ex-girlfriend stories of Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson. WE DON'T CARE. Blabbing about sex with Jessica Simposn was plain wrong. We know dating them helped launched you into the mainstream. But do you always have to bring them up for publicity?
Speaking of your exes you said you prefer white women. We respect your choice in a lover. But what's up with not dating black women because you have a "white supremacist" penis? Or as you call it, a "David Duke c--k." Another red flag that your hood pass is a fake. Black people despise white supremacists. And a true brotha wouldn't name his penis after a Klansman because they have a history of lynching and castrating black men. We're sure this information is not new to you since you understand black culture. You're already aware white supremacists raped black women repeatedly during and post-slavery. As a man who says he's half-Jewish, you know how white supremacists feel about Jewish people. Right? And you still compare your willy to David Duke. Man, you've got issues.
One last thing John or J-Dog, since you're so hood. Brothas don't go on, and, on, and on about masturbating. Actually, probably a lot of men in general wouldn't spend a huge chunk of a Playboy interview talking about chocking the chicken. Or in your case, yanking the white sheet. So J-Dog please stop claiming hood status. We have enough problems already and don't need you to make them worse. By the way, that bootleg pass of yours is DENIED.
The National Hood Association
Photo from BlogHer Picapp