Cocoa Fly

Plus-Size, Extra Sexy Pinups and More from the Femme Cartel Art Party

2012-01-24T19:57:00.000-08:00

Cheeky 2012 Miss March

The media tells us sexy comes in one size, skinny. But the media has it all wrong. Sexy comes in all shapes and sizes. Which is why I adore the "Cheeky" 2012 pinup calendar by artist Jen Oaks. Her pictures are vintage pinup style, meets modern day cartoons meets endless curves. I met Jen Oaks at the Femme Cartel: Girly/Urban Art Party in Oakland. She was almost completely sold out of the 275 calendars she first printed this past fall. Not bad for a first timer right?

Oaks told me she got the idea for "Cheeky" from a friend who wanted a centerfold of plus-sized women. Jen got to the drawing board. She comes up with the images by photographing people in sexy poses. Then Jen creates the pinups based on the gestures of the models.

Cheeky 2012 Miss November

Women like to feel sexy and be sexy. Sometimes we're hard on ourselves because our bodies don't look how they’re “supposed to.” I respect a woman who lives by her own rules. I give Jen Oaks props for creating her vision of sexy, one that many men and women share. If you're in Oakland, check out her art show at 1-2-3-4 Go! Records on Friday, Feb. 3^rd . Order the 2012 "Cheeky" calendar from Etsy.

Laura Gonzalez

This young woman's art packs serious emotion. I can feel whatever the subject is going through. Her work looks so real I couldn't tell if I was looking at painting or a photo. Support Lauren Gonzalez at Lauragrdesigns@yahoo.com or Facebook.com/DesignsByLaura

"Secreto" by Lauren Gonzalez

Michelle Carnes

Oh my goodness, I am loving the energy from Carnes' use of color. I sense the woman in the painting's strength and mellowness. Isn't that an interesting blend? Support this artist at michellecarnes.com

Strong Color by Michelle Carnes

I can barely draw a stick figure. And I won't torture you with my tree drawings that look more like broccoli. The ladies I highlighted are amazing. What do you think of the art? Ping me if you bought any of the work from these talented women.

Maybe I’m Wrong About 'Is Marriage for White People?'

2012-01-18T22:27:00.000-08:00

Ralph Richard Banks, Stanford Law professor and author of "Is Marriage for White People?" gave a talk in Oakland last Thursday night. When I first heard about his book, I rolled my eyes thinking not another black woman can't get a man if she paid him with a signed blank check from Oprah book. Then I really lost interest in the book after his KQED interview caused a few non-black men to ask my opinion of black women and dating. Even my white-male coworker questioned me down for 30 minutes about many black women's reluctance to swirl, which led to questions about "the hair thing" and if I saw "Something New." In all fairness to him, I'd rather someone ask than make silly assumptions. So, why did I go to this Thursday night event? I was bored at home, the event was free and I had to meet the man who has the reason behind my giving a mini black women history lecture at work.

Here's the kicker about Prof. Banks' book. He said most of the book doesn't cover black women dating interracially. It's generally about the decline of African American marriages. Even the flyer about the event didn't mention black women and interracial dating. Prof. Banks said that one part of the book is what the media focused on. The author really got my attention when he said, "Trends we see among African Americans that may seem extraordinary…are representative of the American experience." For instance the marriage rate is low in ALL of the country, but the black marriage rate falls under the average. Or, unemployment may be record high for the country, but the African-American community gets hit even harder. I did not read the book, but based on what Prof. Banks and the panelists at the event said, the major causes for low marriage rates in the black community are socio-economic circumstances surrounding black men (i.e. incarceration, high unemployment, lack of education, having the dating advantage in the male/female population ratio, women out earning men etc.).

Prof. Banks is an academic and likes numbers. The book initially was supposed to be analyze marriage stats and be titled something like "Race, Inequality and Marriage" (zzzzzzzzzz, yawn, snort). He began speaking with black female friends and colleagues about the book, and they shared their experiences. The book's direction changed.

"Marriage is about relationships not stats," he said.

Darrick Smith, a panelist at the talk and center director for Learning Works, agreed with Prof. Banks research findings about social and economic circumstances affecting black men are major factors in how relationships have changed between black men and women. But he also expressed that the book was lacking context on how black men arrived to their current state (i.e. institutionalized racism).

My only complaint about the event was the other panelist. Out of respect to her I'll call her JC. She is a member of the church that co-sponsored the event. She was very outspoken and I disagreed with her a lot. Our difference in opinion wasn’t the issue. JC talked so much that the audience only got a couple of questions in at the end. There were a lot of people in the audience foreign to the topic and I wanted to hear from them too. Some in the audience were digging her, but JC annoyed others. She was the only black woman on the panel. The diversity of opinions from black women was missing.

Prof. Banks argues in the book that because of the male/female ratio black women should explore their options. JC told the audience she was not opposed to interracial marriage. She said that black women marrying out is not the answer and we can't progress "until the issue is with addressed with educating black men and making them not feel inferior because they have a job that pays less [than a woman's]." Have you ever heard of anyone say Quincy Jones, Reggie Bush, Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Idris Alba, Omar Epps, my friend's cousin, my male friends from college, Skip Gates and the Old Spice Guy shouldn't date ANY non-black women until we save the black community"? Are black men ever told that? But my sheets should turn to glaciers and my eggs may have to harden into stones to save the race. As if a black woman can't date whomever she want and give back to her community simultaneously (i.e. Josephine Baker, Maya Angelou, Lena Horn, etc.).

"I don't think black women should bear that burden," Prof. Banks responded to JC. "Black women should have the same freedom that other women take for granted." That's deep. That's true. Black women should have the right to be beautiful, feel beautiful, treated with respect, love regardless of race, explore and have high standards if they so please.

I spoke with Prof. Banks afterwards and he's great to talk to. He said his next book might look at reasons for the growing national trend of women outperforming men. Or he may look at why so many African-American boys are trailing. I really want to know why we’re seeing this growing national trend of women outperforming men.

Oh and in case you're wondering, and I'm sure you are, Prof. Banks’ wife is black.

Crossing the Fetish Line

2012-01-10T20:49:00.000-08:00

This is a photo of Tao but pretend it's Tryst at the Wynn.
Photo Credit: Ryan Holst

This economy has been hell. Sorry for the unpretty language but that's how I've been feeling for a long time. And what better place to go during a recession and spend money? Viva Las Vegas! I was having one of those Kindred "far away from here, far away from here" moods and needed a serious break from reality. Nothing says "unrealistic" more than a city where Egyptian pyramids, and the Statue of Liberty are within blocks of each other.

The Vegas clubs were calling me and it had been a long time since I dressed up to party. I wanted to wear the tightest thing I could find. I mean, hold your breath, stomach sucked in, don't even eat a Triscuit tight. I slipped on a $14 dress I found at Ross that made me feel priceless and my favorite strappy gold heels. A few spritzes of water and jojoba oil on the the fro , one coat of lip gloss and I I hit The Strip. Destination: Tryst at the Wynn Hotel. I couldn't ask for a better night. My girls and I got hooked up with free admission and drinks. The club wasn't too crowded because most people hit Aria for Kim Kardashian's birthday party. The DJ was spinning the right stuff and I took in the buzz of nightlife and my second Georgia Peach.

Now for the juicy part. My girls and I were sitting at a table when a guy tries to snap a picture of us. We covered our faces and told him that taking pictures without people's permission is not cool. He apologized and I heard an accent. Traveling the world is my dream. My intrigue gets turned on when I hear an unfamiliar accent. He was from Israel. I lectured him again about taking photos without permission and asked, "Do you go up to Israeli women and snap their picture without asking?" Of course he said no. From there we started talking. He answered all of sorts of questions I had about living in Israel and cultural tensions with the Palestinians. We talked about the value of entrepreneurship in the Jewish culture. Then dating came up. Did I tell you he was 26 and had deep brown eyes? And he was very cute with light-bronze glazed skin? Did I tell you he owned a real estate business and was traveling the Western U.S. and Mexico for vacation? He wanted to know why my 30-somethin' somethin' self was single with no kids. I told him I didn't know and it doesn't bother me. Three months later, I still don't have the answer.

We danced. He knew how to work the floor. My friends were very impressed with his hip -hop dance style and rhythm. A few songs later he slowly got closer . And closer. He whispered in my ear, "You are so beautiful and you have beautiful skin." I thanked him with a flirty smile. We sat down. He said he's always been attracted to dark women. But he made "dark" sound like something he wasn't, which I found odd because he was only a few shades lighter than me. He wasn't Al B. Sure light, nor was he Wesley Snipes dark (To do: research complexion issues in Israel). It was late and I had been up almost 21 hours straight. He was getting dreamier by the late, late minute. But I was ready to return to my gorgeous room at New York, New York Hotel and call it a night or morning. He was staying at the Belagio. We started to head out when he gave me a swift, soft kiss on my bare shoulder. Then he looked at me with his endless brown eyes and asked for a kiss on the lips BECAUSE he "always wanted to kiss a dark girl. " What-the-hell? Why do guys say dumb things and kill the mood????? So he wants to kiss me because I'm "dark"? He wants to kiss me so he can go back home and tell his Israeli homies what black lips feel like? Or maybe how black girls feel different from other women? This all ran through my exhausted mind. I gave him a friendly hug and wished him well. He was confused by my rejection.

"Girl, what happened?" my friends asked when I returned to them. I told them and they understood. If I weren't so tired I would have schooled him.

I have swirled and I understand how someone else's skin color, eyes, hair texture or style can be a turn on when it's unlike yours. But that's different than a fetish. To me a fetish is when you can't see the person for who they are because you're so caught up in whatever about them turns you on. The Israeli dude felt fetish-y to me. But there's a happy ending to this story. I left Vegas with $40 extra dollar in my pocketbook and a good idea for a blog post.

I Got Nothing but Love for You Heavy D

2011-11-08T23:13:00.000-08:00

Did I read my Facebook page correctly? Heavy D dead at 44? I couldn't believe the news when I saw the "RIP" posts on my friends status. Not Heavy D. The self-proclaimed "Overweight Lover" had my little tween self doing the running man and snake in front of my grandma's TV when his videos came on BET's "Video Soul" and "Rap City." Not Heavy D.

I still love Heavy D's music. His beats drew you to the dance floor and his flows were nice.The Overweight Lovers lyrics definitely had a way with the ladies. His rhymes about romance and relationships were fun. He could get a little steamy too. Is it good to you? I like it. I was just reading on his Twitter page where he Tweeted on November 1, "I love the idea of love."

As a black woman, I especially love and appreciate Heavy D for not climbing his way on the charts on the backs of black women by referring to us as bitches and hoes in his music. He is a prime example of how you don't have to disrespect women to sell record. Even during his recent performance at the BET Awards, his female dancers were fully clothed. Another plus, Heavy D was a cutie! Sistas started giving the brothas with a little meat on their bones second glances after he debuted with his group Heavy D and the Boyz. Heavy D could work it in the dance department. He was a good actor too.

Heavy D's sudden death made me really sad. He was so young and had so much more to accomplish and see. I wasn't sure if it was weight-related, but I read somewhere he lost about 130 pounds. At the time I'm writing this post, TMZ is reporting he had breathing troubles and pneumonia. I'm also down because so many entertainers I loved during my teens are dying relatively young: Guru, Tena Marie, Bernie Mac, Luther Vandross, Gerald LeVert, Vesta, Michael Jackson and now Heavy D. Hip Hop has changed so much since when I was a kid. So many of the new rappers are just so-so. Heavy D was creative and represented an era in hip hop when it was fun and songs weren't just about the club, money and killing. I feel like a piece of Hip Hop passed with him.

On his Twitter page, Heavy D posted these final words, "BE INSPIRED." What a blessing to leave to your fans and loved ones. There were a few others I saw on his page during the past week, that lifted my spirits.

Nov. 6 All glory comes from daring to begin.

Nov. 4 Never stop believing.. Magic is just science we don't understand.. Every original idea was considered insanity at first..

Nov. 2 “If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.”

Nov. 4 Back in the USA.. I love my life.. Only because I always have!!! BLESS UP!

And what a life. We got nothing but love for you Heavy D.

Natural Hair and the Spa Experience

2011-09-19T16:30:00.000-07:00

I had the best spa experience in my life so far. And it was mainly due to putting my straightening comb on sabbatical and went natural. My life has been far from a crystal stair lately. When someone treated me to a free massage anywhere of my choice, I booked an appointment at The Claremont Hotel in Berkeley with the quickness. My mind and body were crying out for some calm and release. I’ve been to spas and enjoyed my experiences, before but this time was different. I packed a bathing suit in my tote bag and nothing else. No comb, doo rags, hair gel, grease, scruniches, brush or shower caps. Nope. Just my bathing suit and a worry-free hair attitude.

I arrived to the gorgeous hotel and walked downstairs to a paradise of white terry cloth robes and cucumber water. My massage was heavenly. I got the full body treatment. The masseuse massaged my scalp and I didn’t care. A few years ago I would have been concerned about her lavender-oiled hands messing up my straightened hair. I didn’t care this time and let her fingers rub through my fro. I think her hands got stuck in my kinks a few times, LOL. Hey it is what it is. I don’t recall my scalp ever being massaged. My God it felt goooooood.

Next stop was the steam room. In my pressing days, I wrapped a towel around my head and stayed in the steam room for a few minutes. I’ve always liked steam rooms but didn’t want to risk my straightened hair, that I spent $50 on at the salon, getting nappy. So I deprived myself of a simple pleasure. Ahh, but it’s a new day. I reclined on the stone tile steps in the steam room and loved every sweaty second. The only towel I used in the room was to sit on. Black natural hair loves water. My hair embraced the moisture and my skin left with a priceless glisten.

I put on my swimsuit and simmered in the whirlpool. No black scarf on my head. No shower cap. My hair was out, wild and free. But the best moment of the day, the moment I gave God a “thank you” was when I bathed in a majestic 6-head shower. I turned on the ceiling dome head and warm water gently rained on me. There was no way in hell I would have done that a year ago. No way. I spent at least 20 minutes in the shower, occasionally twirling under water drops. I felt free and at peace. A year ago I would have walked away from that shower, with a plastic cap on my head a little disappointment because I couldn’t enjoy the full experience. God forbid I spend 20 minutes in a shower getting my hair wet, only to spend a couple of hours washing, blow drying, pressing and flat ironing it again. Thankfully, I have freed my mind and hair.

I floated out of the Claremont Hotel that day worry free, smelling of lavender and a little ashy. Next time I’ll pack body lotion in my tote and conditioner for co-washing in the shower. Spas are meant to be relaxing. My past hair worries took away from the full, relaxing experience. Ahhh, but it’s a new day for me.

Saving Our Girls from Oakland's StreetsInterview with Writer Harry Williams 'Straight Outta East Oakland 2: Trapped on the Track'

2011-09-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

Rev. Harry Williams signing his book.
Photo Credit: Jenee Darden

Author and minister Harry Williams II knows how to do an author’s book reading. I have not yet read his latest book “Straight Outta East Oakland 2: Trapped on the Track” but he delivered on the theatrics when he read excerpts to the cramped room at the World Ground Café in Oakland when I heard him in the Spring. The non-profit MISSSEY hosted the joint authors showcase which featured Rachael Lloyd. She gave a riveting presentation as well. She has so much heart. I’ll give a review of her book soon. Back to Williams, his novel is about a reformed crack dealer named Firstborn. He returns to Oakland to take Crayon, 15 out of prostitution after her grandmother pleas for his help. Much of the energy Williams gave during the reading is rooted in passion for the atrocity going on Oakland streets, particularly the sexual trafficking of girls and young women. Again, there are CHILDREN, being sold on the streets of Oakland for sex. Williams is working with MISSSEY to end the problem. There was a lot of activity going on after the readings, but I managed to sneak in a quick interview with Harry Williams. FYI: "The Track" is a street in Oakland where sex trafficking is extremely prevalent.

CF: How did you get interested in the subject of child trafficking?
I live here in Oakland. You can’t live in Oakland and not be aware that people are being bought and sold like chattel like in the 18^th century. You can’t go to the supermarket and not see women and sometimes men caught up in human trafficking. Being that I live here, and I care about my community and as a person of faith it’s impossible not to have a concern for the world around us.

Talk about the main character of your book Firstborn Walker. Where did you get the inspiration for that character?
Firstborn Walker is several people that I know, myself included. When I was young, I was very naïve and made some very bad decisions that led me to make even more bad decisions. But I came to a place in my life where I realized that God loved me, He had a plan for my life. Not only my life, but for the lives of the people around me and I needed to give something back.

I look at Rachael Lloyd from GEMS and Nola Brantley of MISSSEY. There are lot of women involved in trying to get girls off of the streets. What do you see is your responsibility as a man in trying to end this atrocity on Oakland’s streets?

Each one of the women is our daughter. If you have a movement that has no men, it will lose its impact. I believe we have to have men who women can see as a real man, who’s not there to take advantage of them but to love them as a brother or sister. Also, we need to go back and tell our brothers that the exploitation is not the perfect male-female relationship. So much of the problem comes from the way that men see women that has been perpetuated for many years. You need to have some men that say “I own that. I’m changing and I want you to change with me. “

You’re involved in the church which is how I was first introduced to you. Rachael Lloyd talked about going to a church and being judged when she was trying to get her life together. What is the church’s role in this?

I’m going to [answer to] what is the African-American church’s response. If you went out to The Track in Oakland, you would see 80 to 90 percent of the women out there are African American. But few of the people I have met in the abolition movement look like me. Jesus’ primary teaching is we should love God with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength and love our neighbor as ourselves. How can you possibly feel comfortable as a believer to ride past people caught up in human trafficking when you’re told to worship a God who says you should be concerned about your community? It will change when the black church owns this problem and devote revolutionaries within the church and go out and make a difference.

Is there a hesitancy to get involved because this problem is related to sex and we know how the Black church gets when it comes to sex? Like Rachael Lloyd said, sometimes people blame the girls for getting into the situation.

The problem is much deeper than someone making choices. Sometimes the choices have been made for them. Some of these women have been sold like a pack of cigarettes to somebody on the street. Even if you do have that blanket of judgment, that doesn’t allow for that explanation. As a believer you have to love as Christ loved and he was always moved with compassion. That was hallmark of his ministry. He could never look at someone who was suffering and not be moved.

Like the story of Mary Magdalene.

Yes and the woman at the well.

Life

2011-09-11T18:42:00.000-07:00

Photo by Sung Sook

The last year of my life have been hectic to the 10th power. I've been helping my grandfather as he battles cancer, getting used to a new job, had to sue someone and so much more I don't want even want to get into. I missed CocoaFly.com a lot. I felt like had abandoned a child. When I first moved back to the Bay Area I had so many ideas for this blog, but then life put some those plans on hold. I did a few book reviews over the past months, but I miss blogging. As things start to settle I will be slowly getting back to my habit of blogging regularly.

Going through trying times has made me again think of people who have it much harder than me. I have great respect for people who are ill and get up everyday to fight for their life. I admire those who have been out of work for years, yet they hit the pavement and send out resumes daily. And I'm in awe of people who have lived through atrocities (i.e. families of 9/11 victims, victims of crimes, survivors of abuse, etc.) and still have the heart to give, live and keep going.

With all that has been going on in my life I'm so thankful for good friends. You really know who your friends are when you're having tough times. Thankfully, God put great people in my life. They know who they are. I'm just thankful that through all of this I'm still thankful for some things: family, friends, job, food, shelter, good health and "Two- and-a- Half Men" reruns that keep me laughing through all of the bad days.

Life is beautiful. Life is hard. Life is what we make it. Life is out of our control. Life is to be lived. Life is a b*tch. Life is a lesson. Life is a blessing.

BlogHer Book Club Review If You Think Push was a Tough Read, Brace Yourself for The Kid

2011-07-27T00:44:00.000-07:00

Don’t be fooled by the title of Sapphire’s latest novel, The Kid. There’s nothing childish about this follow up to her first novel Push. I’m woman enough to admit it that it took me 12 years to read “Push” because I was scared. I didn’t know how I would handle reading the story about Precious Jones, an illiterate, obese, black teenager pregnant by her father and abused by her mother as well. Push is a brilliant novel and emotionally challenging to read. But The Kid makes Push look like the minor leagues when it comes to the graphic scenes.

The story starts with nine-year-old Abdul Jones preparing to bury his mother Precious. Our Shero, who left an abusive home and sought education, lost her battle to AIDS at 27. The health care system failed her by not providing her medication she couldn’t afford. But Push fans will be happy to know that Precious grew into the woman and mother we hoped for. Precious became literate, wrote poems, went to college and exposed her son the arts. She encouraged Abdul to always ask questions and protected him. She reared a bright boy. I loved the character Precious and was so proud of her. It hurt to read that Abdul was going into foster care -- another system that would ruin all his mother hoped for. Although he’s The Kid, Abdul’s childhood dies when his mother’s coffin closes. He grows up brutally fast.

Read the rest on BlogHer.com. Warning,the remainder of the review includes content that discusses child abuse and rape.

Getting to Happy Takes Work My Blogher Book Review of Terry McMillan's Novel

2011-06-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

Another Blogher Book Review from yours truly. This time I give my spin on "Getting to Happy," Terry McMillan's sequel to "Waiting to Exhale." The book received mixed reviews. I like the novel. McMillan's story shows that happiness is not easy to attain. You could be rich, have a fine ass man, angels for children, nice clothes and be praised all of the time. But, that doesn't equate to happiness. For some of us it may. I don't want to give away too much of my review, but read on here.

I Couldn't Put It Down 'Girl In Translation' by Jean Kwok

2011-05-24T10:28:00.000-07:00

I have two words to describe Jean Kwok's "Girl in Translation" -- Fly Read. This is such a good book for not just adults but teens as well. If you like heartfelt, honest stories of survival and mother-daughter relationships, girl you need to pick this one up. I know you're wondering what the story is about. Read my review for the BlogHer Book Club here to find out.

FemTech: Alicia 'Kat' Dillman Blends Romance, Art and Technology for Her New Book

2011-05-18T00:27:00.000-07:00

Entrepreneur, artist, techie and writer
Alicia Dillman poses with
an image from her novel.
Photo Credit: Michael Pleasent

Alicia “Kat” Dillman of KatGirl Studio describes herself as a “Do It Yourself” kind of girl. That’s my kind of girl. We met at WonderCon this year. Alicia is a freelance illustrator for children’s book covers, proficient with computer coding and has her eyes set on taking her art and tech skills to video gaming. But for now she’s pushing her book Daemons in the Mist. I haven't read the novel, but the cover looks juicy, dramatic, and romantic. Alicia said the book is a young adult paranormal romance that is “spicier” Twilight. “Daemons is a word that existed pre-Hellenistic Greece. Their world exists within ours in a spectrum we can’t see,” said Alicia. The story takes place in San Francisco where a teen named Patrick gets sucked in the paranormal world of a beautiful girl named Nualla.

The image of a woman doesn't usually come to mind when discussing technology. An engineer I spoke with at another event told me she mentors girls and they find computer technology boring. The mentor thinks the girls don't see a way to put their own stamp and identity into technology. Alicia is an example of how you can combine feminine interests with technology. I asked her a few more questions about her craft. Aspiring writers and entrepreneurs should take note because the publishing and book marketing game has changed.

You have a trailer for your book. I’ve noticed authors are doing this now.
There are a lot of companies that offer either limited or zero-cost technology that allows you to be able to do it yourself or hire someone to do it for you. I made it myself using a software called Animoto. They take your images and your text and they time with a mathematic algorithm to the music that you select so that it looks like a movie trailer. It took me a day.

Are you self-published?
I am a partner in a publishing company. We’re going to be publishing a few other books. We’re partnered with a game company called CWS Software and they make kinetic visual novels which are popular in Japan but not really here yet. The only one I know of that’s an English one would be the Phoenix Wright for the Nintendo DS. It’s kind of like our old Indiana Jones games that we had back in the ‘90s, that kind of choose your own adventure [game]. This one is a singular storyline. My other books have more branching and video games.
I did the art and the writing. I do all of the printing and matting. I do everything.

CocoaFly interviewing Alicia Dillman at
WonderCon 2011 in San Francisco.
Photo Credit: Michael Pleasent

When you say drawing do you mean on the computer or with pencils and paper?

I used to do it on paper but I switched to 100 percent digital because it’s much better for the environment and a lot faster for my clients. I’m a freelance illustrator so the faster I can get things to people the better.

Go to Alicia's website to see the process of how she makes her work.

'Switch It Up' Workshop at the Delta Sigma Theta Women's Empowerment Conference in Vallejo, CA

2011-05-17T02:43:00.000-07:00

My Saturday was filled with inspiration. The Delta Sigma Theta Vallejo, Calif. Alumane Chapter hosted their 23rd Women's Empowerment Conference. The event was free and open to the entire community. For those wondering about my outfit, yes I wore my Sigma Gamma Rho blue and gold (*smile*). I presented my "Switch It Up to Live It Up" workshop, which I based on a series I launched on CocoaFly.com a few years ago. The workshop is about women switching up their thinking of themselves and how society defines them to live their own life. I talked about changing my own thinking, reinventing myself to thrive in this tough economy and shutting out negative definitions society has tried to impose on me as a woman and person of color. I even used some of my favorite quotes from Maya Angelou and Bon Jovi to plant empowerment seeds in the attendees. I sure did. I enjoyed this and if anyone is interested in booking me for this talk, contact me.

I met so many dynamic women of all ages in numerous professions. The conference was more than an event, but a space for women to connect and bond. Women openly shared their stories of surviving abusive relationships and war-torn countries, overcoming illness, life after divorce, their secrets to success, healthy eating and I could go on. New friends were making plans to attend Chicago Step classes and entrepreneurs swapped business cards. You know I loved it. I sat on a morning panel and presented my workshop in the afternoon. During the panel I shared the importance of saying "NO" when you're feeling overwhelmed with duties and someone asks for "a favor." I learned this early. NO, NO, NO. But on the flip side, literally, when someone tells you no, and you need a yes, invert the word. What's "no" spelled backwards? ON. When you hear "no," think "Okay it's ON and I'm going to shoot for the stars." I'm telling you, these ideas got me through this economy. Women told me I inspired them and I learned valuable life lessons from the 150+ attendees. Barbara Walden, owner of Barbara Walden Cosmetics made 80 look like 40 when she spoke on stage. She proves that age is in the mind.

Thank you to the ladies of Delta Sigma Theta's Vallejo Alumnae Chapter. I had a great time. A very special sister-soror thank you to Valerie Gray, the event's chair. I'm sure she's getting much needed rest that she'll need for next year.

Carol's Daughter 'Diverse' (wink, wink) Campaign and Why Colorless Marketing Excludes Black Women

2011-04-19T02:54:00.000-07:00

By now you’ve probably heard about the paper-bag “diversity” campaign Carol’s Daughter recently launched. Black women of all hues are voicing out on the web, “Where are the brown-skinned faces?” Hopefully cocoa-cutie and Disney Princess Tiana will keep her kids line even though she doesn't have a polyethnic look the company is pushing. “What’s ‘polyethnic?” you’re thinking. Here’s a quote from marketing guru and company CEO Steve Stoute from the campaign's press release:

What we’re doing now is moving into a polyethnic space. We want to be the first beauty brand that truly captures the beauty of the tapestry of skin types in America. When I say polyethnic, I mean women who are made up of several ethnicities. If you ask them what they are, they’re going to use a lot of different words to describe themselves. That’s in line with the Census data coming out — people are checking much more than two boxes. We believe we’ve put together a shoot that celebrates many different ethnicities, to become a mirror of what America’s really becoming.[...]“They will serve as cultural ambassadors in bringing forth this acceptance that the definition of beauty is now colorless.

Singers Solange (Black and Creole), Cassie (Black, Filipino and Mexican) and Victoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks (Black, Irish, Native American) are the new spokeswomen representing diversity. All three ladies identify with multiple cultures. All are without a doubt gorgeous. My disappointment with this campaign has nothing to do with their beauty. Nor do I have a problem with founder Lisa Price expanding her brand. Curly heads of various ethnicities use Carol’s Daughter. The company should take advantage of their growing diverse pool of customers. But brown-skinned women buy Carol’s Daughter products too. I mean come on. Chrisette Michelle, Anika Noni Rose, Kimberly Elise, Brandi, Maybeline model Tomiko Fraser—women like them don’t represent diverse beauty? According to the press release, Lisa Price “designed the new campaign ad to reflect the recent demographic shift reported by the U.S. Census.” Lisa designed this? That stings. If it weren’t for black women, of ALL hues, Carol’s Daughter would not be sitting in Macy’s shelves, on HSN, online, etc. Black women backed Lisa Price from the days she was selling oils and creams out of her kitchen. Mind you, her stuff is expensive. Launching a campaign solely with a calablansian, racially-ambiguous mainstream image excludes many women, especially the customers who first supported her.

It’s no secret that darker-skinned women have always been deemed as “unmarketable” and not beautiful. But why is polyethnic marketing in general so focused on women? Even CEO Steve Stoute said, “When I say polyethnic, I mean women who are made up of several ethnicities.” Why this deterrence away from black women’s features, especially in black media? Of course this marketing doesn’t impact black men. Think about it. If there were a hair and skin line for black men do you think Mr. Stoute and Lisa Price would hire Tiger Woods, Boris Kodjoe, Jessie Williams ("Grey’s Anatomy") to be their ONLY spokesmen? I’ll answer for you. HELL NAW. Black men would have a fit. You know some celeb like Tyrese or Romeo would be up in the campaign mix too. Nearly every time I see or read something about multicultural marketing, the models are usually mixed-race women. Or when people get upset over a celebrity’s skin being lightened in an ad or magazine cover it’s a woman. Males are rarely the subject of these controversies. Companies using images of biracial people in their marketing is a great thing. Biracial people want to see reflection of themselves just like anyone else. Unfortunately this is happening at the erasure of brown-skinned women. God knows, there are barely a handful of brown-skinned beauties in the media at the moment.

Radio One founder Cathy Hughes said in April’s issue of Ebony Magazine (which is really good by the way) that this type of multicultural marketing is becoming a trend in black media:

If you look on television, look at ads, in print, everything is interracial now. Everything is a Black woman and White man or a Black man and a White woman. There’s this emphasis on a ‘colorless society.’ Why should we give up our Black culture? Are the Asians?... Do you think the Latino/Hispanics are going to give up being Latino or Hispanic because they have married other people? So why are black folks the only culture being called upon to be colorless? That trickles down, [and] greatly impacts African-American media.

What’s next? Women who look like Solange, Selita and Cassie will be considered too dark or too black for cultural products? I’m not saying the three ladies should not be spokeswomen. If Carol’s Daughter is going to push diverse beauty then be diverse. Show a range of colors and hair textures. The only differences I see in the spokeswomen are their hair styles and fashion tastes. Good marketing doesn’t alienate the customers who helped propelled the company. Many women online have said they’re not buying Carol’s Daughter products anymore. It will be interesting to see what kind of impact this may have. CEO Steve Stoute is supposedly a marketing wiz so the company may do very well. Until then, I’ll take my rich, brown skin and dark green dollar bills elsewhere.

Easter Bunny Event for Kids With Special Needs

2011-04-14T23:11:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it's Easter already? I'm sure your kids are ready for their eggs, bunnies and baskets. The folks at the special needs advocacy site Abilitypath.org told me that they are joint-hosting an Easter eggstravaganza where kids with special needs are getting V.I.P. treatment. The Caring Easter Bunny event will be held at Stanford Shopping Center in Palo Alto, Calif. this Sunday April 17th from 9-11am, before the mall opens. I told you it was V.I.P The setup is designed just for special needs children. Here are more details from the release:
“This is an amazing opportunity for families of children with special needs to come out and
enjoy a day that has been specifically designed with their needs in mind,” said Sheryl Young,
CEO of AbilityPath.org, a partner in the program. “Having the event during closed mall hours provides a calmer sensory friendly environment, a number system allows for children with special needs the opportunity to explore other things while they wait for their photo to be taken and simple tweaks to the photo set allow for children who might be sensitive to a camera’s flash,
to still enjoy that special age-old tradition of having their photo with the Easter Bunny displayed on the mantle!”

Parents are encouraged to RSVP on Facebook here. If you can't make it this weekend the Caring Easter Bunny will also be available on Monday, April 18 from 9 a.m. to 10 a.m. for private photo sessions for children with special needs. Or just hop on by anytime between April 12 and April 23. Mention AbilityPath.org to receive the Caring Package.

Saving Our Girls from Oakland's StreetsBusting Prostitution Myths and Who’s Pimping the Pimp?

2011-04-13T01:00:00.000-07:00

Melissa Farley
Photo Credit Jenee Darden

“It takes a village to create prostitution and it takes a village to stop it,” Melissa Farley argued in her presentation. She was one of the speakers at Allen Temple Baptist Church’s community meeting on the sex trafficking crisis in Oakland. Farley is the executive director of Prostitution Research and Education in San Francisco. I applaud her work. I'm sure some of you are surprised that such an organization exists. But someone has to do it to inform and help save lives. Farley has interviewed johns and women in prostitution all over the world. She changed my stance on legalizing prostitution when she dropped some info about Nevada, where the “oldest profession” is legal.

“Nevada has some of the highest rates of rapes in the U.S. because boys there are taught to see women as natural prostitutes,” said Farley.

Another light bulb moment for me was when Farley asked us what does a pimp look like. Think about it. What face comes to mind when you see a pimp? Is he young? Is he black? Does he rock a gold chain, a cane and walk with swag? Farley showed us a picture of an old white man with a plain collared shirt from Washington state. He ran a prostitution ring through his strip clubs throughout the state. “Prostitution is organized crime a lot of time,” said Farley. She explained to us that mafias partner with local thugs who monitor the girls on the streets. Are the small-time pimps being pimped by the crime bosses? Regardless, Farley said the sex trade is a billion dollar industry, especially in light of the weak economy (Hmmmm...reminds me of when Nola Brantley of MiSSSEY spoke about selling girls on the street has become more profitable than pushing crack)

We know that pimps are bringing in the dollars, but what about the girls and women? Think about the images of prostitutes. Some are high class, others are in poor neighborhoods. According to Farley, there is a hierarchy of prostitution. She said only 2% of women and girls are “high-class prostitutes.” You know the ones whose clients shell out the big bucks like Richard Gere’s character in “Pretty Woman.” “They’re doing it voluntarily. Usually they’re not women of color, they have backup options, class and race privilege,” Farley said. Well Farley killed that “Pretty Woman” fairytale, because that’s not reality for most women and girls. She reported that 48% of women and girls in the trade are those who can’t provide for their families. Often they are victims of molestation and incest as children, they’re trying to escape a violent relationship. I was surprised that some of these women have children with special needs and they need the money for care.

Sadly 50% of women in prostitution are in captivity. On average, a prostitute is raped once a week. It’s a lot to take in. I felt somewhat overwhelmed as I drove home because I had some idea of the story behind those children standing on the corner in tight pants and wigs looking for sex to survive. Little girls are supposed to be going to the mall with their friends and shopping for Justin Beiber posters. We MUST save our girls Oakland. We MUST save our girls.

Saving Our Girls from Oakland's StreetsOPD Officer Says City's Sex Trafficking Crisis Tougher than Duty in Iraq

2011-04-13T00:43:00.000-07:00

Officer Jim Saleda
Photo Credit: Jenee Darden

“I spent 14 months in Iraq. That was easier than doing this job on the streets of Oakland, ” Officer Jim Saleda said at community forum on child sex trafficking in Oakland. Allen Temple Baptist Church hosted the event. That’s how dire this problem has become. Serving in war is easier than battling pimps on Oakland’s streets. Officer Saleda has been with the Vice and Child Exploitation Unit for 10 years and the weariness lives on his face. The night before he was up until 1am arresting johns. It doesn’t help that Oakland’s police force is severely understaffed because of budget cuts. There are only 5 cops in his unit.

Officer Saleda said when he started in the youth services division 10 years ago, officers encountered about 100 girls in trafficking. Now the numbers are approaching thousands. THOUSANDS. Remember I told you about guerilla pimping, or forcing a girl into prostitution? Here’s one tactic the policeman shared with us.

“These guys were chasing girls down the street with pit bulls, cornering them, terrorizing them with the dogs and beating them into submission. Prostitution is not a victimless crime.”

Why isn’t the situation under control? One reason are the weak laws. Officer Saleda says getting caught with a prostitute is only a misdemeanor. Cops are “stacking” charges against perps. So johns may be charged with buying sex, and lewd act with a minor, and other violations.

A major problem with the law is that these girls are being criminalized when they’re in fact victims. “I hate sending them there but that’s the only place I know they’ll be safe for a little while,” Officer Saleda said. According to him the pimps tell their girls in group homes and juvenile hall “they better” bring another girl into the fold. Even after separation from the pimps, so get back into the trade. Officer Saleda identified Stockholm Syndrome as one factor for returning to their pimps.

But this story about a young woman he tried to save really got to all of us.

What kills me is one night we contacted this girl. Not enough to arrest her, but she was a missing person at risk. We brought her back to YSD. We called her mom. She said, ‘It’s too far to drive to come get her.’ We couldn’t take her to the [juvenile] hall so we took her to the assessment center. Two weeks later this girl was brutally, horribly murdered and left displayed in Mosswood Park. I’m going to carry that with me for the rest of my life.

This is what is happening to OUR girls. Our daughters, our nieces, our sisters, our cousins, our neighbors, our sisters, our fellow American women. On a good note, something is getting done. Officer Saleda’s testimony in a recent case helped land a ~~slave owner~~, pimp 25-to-life sentence.

Saving Our Girls from Oakland's Streets Nola Brantley Explains How Pimps Recruit Girls

2011-04-13T00:24:00.000-07:00

Nola Brantley speaks to concerned
public at Allen Temple Church
Photo Credit: Jenee Darden

“When you been molested your whole life, sometimes these girls be hoes. They do it to cover up the pain of what happened to them. “ --Former prostituted teen

Nola Brantley wants you to keep one word in mind when talking about the girls traded on Oakland’s streets, “children.”

“We don’t realize they’re children because of the word ‘prostitution,” said Brantley, executive director of MISSSEY (Motivating, Inspiring, Supporting, and Serving Sexually Exploited Youth). The non-profit helps victims of sexual exploitation transition to stable lives. More than 70 people from the community packed the meeting room at Allen Temple Baptist Church in Oakland on Saturday morning for a summit on human trafficking. Brantley, 35, can personally relate to the girls she helps because she is a survivor of child trafficking.

“My exploiter was a police officer and so my exploitation experience is unique,” Brantley told me after her presentation.

According to Brantley the children being pimped are between the ages of 11 and 17. What were you doing when you were 11? Keep in mind there are children out there younger than 11. Guess the average age a girl starts prostitution in the U.S.A. Give up? The average age a GIRL enters prostitution is 12 YEARS OLD. Most of the girls sexually enslaved are poor, prior victims of sexual abuse and black or Latino. Brantley told us that there are girls of all races out there but nearly 100 percent of her clients are African American. Half of all the girls they help are in foster care. Brantley thinks the boom began in Oakland seven years ago.

“The influx of child trafficking in Oakland probably dates back to 2004,” she told me. “We can look at lots of factors in society. What I attribute to it closest are two things. One is 9/11. All of our national resources targeted towards homeland security and away from social services and mental health. Number two is the increased penalty and sentencing around crack cocaine. That made it too risky and less profitable too sell crack and less risky and more profitable to sell little girls.”

I gained so much from Brantley’s fiery and moving presentation. One component of her talk that especially struck me was the process of how pimps recruit and brainwash the girls. It starts off with the girls thinking they’re in a romantic relationship with the pimp. Brantley broke it down in 5 stages that I HIGHLY reccommend for parents and guardians to read:

Recruitment
The girl is in need of safety and everyday things we take for granted (i.e. clothes, money, love) are targets. They get into a relationship with the pimp. He’s her boyfriend, so she thinks. The girl gets compliments and promises to be taken care of by her “boyfriend” who is really a pimp. Often a girl will recruit another girl to the streets. She shares with the girl how “good” her “boyfriend” “cares” for her and she should work for him.

Seduction
“Boyfriend” buys the child drugs, takes her shopping and to the salon. He let’s her ride in the front seat. Brantley noted that you know these girls on the corners are children if they fall for the guy because he lets her ride shotgun and buys her sneakers. Those are things valuable to kids.

Isolation
I took this as the stage when “boyfriend” slows down on the romance. He doesn’t want the girl around her family or friends. Nola added he acts like she is his property and starts checking her phone. He prefers she solely interacts with him or his other girls. “The same tactics and techniques used to control victims of domestic violence are used to control these victims of trafficking,” Brantley told the crowd.

Coercion
He convinces her why she should sell her body. Brantley said the pimp has sex with the girl and tells her the sex is so mind blowing that she could make a lot of money. He gets them to “put their self worth into their sexuality abilities,” Brantley noted. “Boyfriend” promises to build a family with her and get a home. They tell her she doesn’t have to do it for long. If she’s uncomfortable being out on the street, she can pull johns through the internet. Remember this is what he is saying to an 11 year old, 12 year old, 13, year old, etc. CHILD.

Violence
Brantley said pimps use violence when coercion fails and/or to keep the girls working. In other words, it's how he keeps his "workers" in check. Pimps don’t care if the girl is sick, she has to make that money. “I have sat with girls who have had cast iron skillets burned into their stomachs, cut from end to the other, been in comas, ran over by a vehicle, chemicals poured in to their ears and their vaginas…,”Brantley shared.

I know it’s a tough thing to read, especially because we’re talking about children. No one, whether 11 or 111 should endure this. I usually don’t do this after an interview, but I hugged Nola Brantley. She, and other women like her, is a hero. She is a soldier for women and children. She is a survivor and people like her give me so much hope. We have to save our girls. We MUST save our girls.

***Special thank you to MISSSEY volunteer and Cocoa Fly reader Merika Reagan for suggesting this post.***

Child Sex Trafficking Outside My Front Door

2011-04-12T23:41:00.000-07:00

Photo by Mike Linksvayer

Prostitution in my Oakland childhood neighborhood is nothing new. I remember growing up seeing the same, few women working nearby corners for years. My neighborhood was no Beverly Hills, but for the most part the streets stayed quiet and the working-class families all knew each other. But the neighborhood has changed and not in a good way. Those women who turned tricks on the corner when I was kid have been replaced by children. You read right, CHILDREN. Just the other day I saw two girls in miniskirts, looking no older than 13, standing on the corners peeking inside cars driving by. One was black and the other I believe may have been white or Latina. Girls like them and a bit older are sprinkled throughout a section of International Blvd. known as “The Track” that spans at least 40 blocks. How did my neighborhood, where I learned to ride my bike and go to Catholic high school, become a hot spot for child sex trafficking? It makes me sick that as I type this, some young girl who should be doing her homework or going to softball practice, is selling her body for sex to make some pimp money. And it disgusts me that some man or men are exposing these girls to STDs, rape, malnutrition and God knows what else. Many of these girls are forced into the trade through a tactic called “’guerilla pimping.” Girls are kidnapped, gang raped and beaten in prostitution. The children in fear of their lives don’t leave. And even if they “chose” to go that route, it doesn’t matter. They’re kids and from what I’ve been told don’t have family. Pimps prey on kids in foster care and group homes.

Pimp culture has always been a strong stitch in the fabric of Oakland’s ghetto culture. Rappers like Too $hort and Dru Down often had some sort of pimps up, hoes down theme in their songs. The whole situation makes me sad, but there’s hope. People have held protests. This weekend I went to a community summit on human trafficking at Allen Temple Baptist Church. I could write a dissertation on all of the information I learned. Three people spoke: Nola Brantley, executive director of MISSSEY; Melissa Farley, executive director of Prostitution Research and Education and Officer Jim Saleda. My mouth hit the floor when Officer Saleda said serving in Iraq paled to what's happening to girls in Oakland's streets. Our society finds money to pay athletes and reality stars. But when it comes to our women and children, especially those who are poor and minorities--it's a battle. We MUST save our girls from Oakland’s streets. WE MUST.

WonderCon 2011 How Jeremy Love Went From Self-Publishing to DC Comics

2011-04-05T00:56:00.000-07:00

Jeremy Love creator of Bayou at WonderCon
Photo by Michael Pleasent

Jeremy Love. Sounds like the name of a late night DJ taking song dedications. Jeremy is no DJ, in fact he is down with DC, as in DC Comics. Superman’s publisher carries Jerry’s comic series Bayou. I read a sample of it online and it is really good. I mean really, really good. Jeremy tells me how a little luck and a lot of hustle made his self-publishing dreams come true.
How did you get into comics?

I’ve been drawing all my life, making little comics when I was in elementary school and selling them so it just became natural. Once I found out I could make a living do it, it made me happier. So I kept practicing and kept my skills up.

How did you figure out you could make living doing it? there are artists out there trying to do the same thing but haven't made it.

It’s all about the initiative, the drive you put into it. I self-published my first book and that got me the notice I needed to start this professionally.

When you self-published, how many copies did you sell?

I only sold 600 or 700 copies but it got into the right people’s hands.

Bayou is about a black girl named Lee and her white friend Lilly. There’s some kind of Loch Ness Monster type character who lives in the swamp water. But he’s good?
Bayou is a benevolent, good swamp dweller. He helps Lee as they look for her friend Lilly who’s lost in this fantasy world that is set in 1933 Mississippi. It’s kind of like Alice and Wonderland with a voodoo and African-American folklore flavor to it.

Photo Credit: Michael Pleasent

What is Gettosake?Me and my brothers have an art studio and that’s our studio name.

Where did the name come from?

I had a friend when I was in high school who did graffiti and that was his graffiti name. When he retired I asked if I could use it because I liked it so much.

When I see Gettosake I’m thinking the hood and booze. What does the name mean to you?

It has a number of different meanings. People bring their own meaning to it.

What's next for you?
Bayou volume 3 comes out next year.

WonderCon 2011: Super Artists Couple Beth Sotelo and Joel Gomez

2011-04-05T00:52:00.000-07:00

Joel Gomez and Beth Sotelo
Photo Credit: Michael Pleasent

It must be nice when you and your hubby are in the same line of work. Joel Gomez is a freelance artist for DC Comics but you'll learn more about him later. He had great advice for people trying to get through the door. Let's shift the spotlight to his wife Beth Sotelo. Just as I was on my out of WonderCon Beth Sotelo greeted me with the biggest smile from her table. I can't turn down a friendly face and I'm so glad we got to chat. Beth is a colorist for Aspen Comics and is working on "Fathom: Volume 4 which is set to be in stores this month. "Fathom" is the company's best-selling series. Beth is ten years in the game, but it took super drive and thick skin of steel before an employer told her to paint on. Get it? Like when Johnny Storm of the Fantastic Four shouts, “Flame On!” …… Well, I thought it was cute. For anyone trying to make it any field, Sotelo's story will motivate you.

Cocoa Fly: How did you break into this industry?
Beth Sotelo: My background is in painting. I was doing murals, nothing like storytelling or comic books at all. My husband knew about coloring comics and when I was introduced to the whole industry I just fell in love. He got an internship at Top Cow. I got a job in production and I just started begging any artist to let me color any pinup or trading card they had. I practiced. I asked everybody with any sort of knowledge to look at my work. Nobody cared. You just have to keep bugging and have a thick skin because you’ll hear a lot of no's. I just listened to everything they said when they told me to correct. Ten years later I’m working on “Fathom” which is the book that I thought I would be working on. It’s a really a nice kind of book end.

There are a lot of women here at WonderCon, but the comic book industry is overwhelmingly men. How is it for you as a woman? How many women work at your place of employment?

I think I’m the only female colorist in Aspen Comics. There are people who run the office in some way or another who are women. I think the comic book genre in the beginning brought more guy readership. Maybe it’s the superhero fantasy, maybe it appealed to more men. Now it’s changing. Every year I see more and more girls as fans. And even better more and more girls as artists coming around. It’s still dominated by men.

Right.

I kind of don’t notice it because I’m just trying to make my way whatever way. It doesn’t matter the person’s gender who’s giving the advice. Just tell me how to make it better. I just want to be a better artist, regardless of my gender.

What does a colorist do? I think I have an idea.
The penciller draws [the image]. Sometimes the inker traces over the line art into the computer. Then someone emails it to me. I open it up in Photoshop and I just start coloring it in Photoshop. I just start using the lasso and paintbrush tool in Photoshop. I go painstakingly through and make sure everything is the way it should be.

What is the difference between what Joe and Jane Blow at home does with Photoshop and you?
I think Joe and Jane Blow probably throw everything into the kitchen sink when they’re first starting out. They’re going to want to put all of the pizazz on every single page and pinup. So your eye doesn’t know where to go. It’s just like lights everywhere that are distracting you. I think with time you learn to do a little less so that the artwork stands out, the story and the figures. You do more with less so it looks more polished and consistent.

I’m looking at this sketch of Batman holding a rescued baby in the forest. The image gives off this feeling of hope. You would use a certain color that evokes the mood. You wouldn’t use a bright green for the trees because that would not reflect the tone right?

Exactly. Sometimes you have a panel that is all red because someone is getting punched right in the face. It’s a quick and easy way to say “danger.”

Thank you so much. I wish you continued success. I’m going to talk to your husband. Hi Joel. I just interviewed your wife. What do you do at DC Comics?
Joel Gomez: I’m a freelance artist at DC Comics and currently working on "Reverse-Flash: Flash Point". It’s coming out June 22nd and ties in to a larger DC event called Flash Point.

Who is Reverse Flash?

Art on display by Joel Gomez
Photo Credit: Michael Pleasent

He’s kind of the opposite Flash. He’s a person from the future. I think he’s a serial killer or sociopath.

Is he like how Bizarro is to Superman?
Sort of. He’s the contrast to the Flash. He’s someone from the future who wants the power that Flash has, and the success and fame. He goes about it the wrong way. He’s an evil character. I’m the penciller and inker of the book.

Do the artists work with the writers at all or have influence on the storyline?
It’s not unusual but for what I’m doing, I get a script and work strictly from it. I don’t have any input on how it’s done but if I have questions I can go over it with the writer.

I saw you giving tips to an aspiring artist. There are a lot of people here looking to break into the industry. What are some of the mistakes or false assumptions aspiring artists?

People might make the mistake of having a lack of professionalism. A lot of people don’t necessarily have the idea of how to be professional. They forget that how you present yourself, how you dress yourself and carry yourself is also an aspect of carrying yourself.

Interesting. What are examples you have seen of people being sloppy?Having loose-leaf art instead of a portfolio to put it in, sometimes having unfinished art is also a bad sign. If someone who keeps coming back year after year, and they don’t show they’ve taken the advice you have given them, that’s also a bad sign. But that weeds out the people who are going to stick it through and the ones that aren’t really cut for it.

Thank you both. I learned a lot today.

New ThunderCats Cartoon Trailer

2011-04-04T00:08:00.000-07:00

Thunder, Thunder, ThunderCats! HOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Those who grew up in the '80s know what's up. Here's a sneak peek at the new ThunderCats cartoon premiering on the Cartoon Network. Warner Bros. debuted the trailer Sunday at WonderCon. Cheetara has extensions and Lion-O looks really young. Actually, they all look really young. Where is Panthro and Snarf? Mumrar looks like his creepy self. I hope the series is good. Watch and tell me what you think.

Cocoa Fly Takes Over WonderCon

2011-04-03T19:23:00.000-07:00

Cocoa Fly & The Hulk
Photo by Michael Pleasent

You're looking at the newest member of The Avengers--Cocoa Fly. Armed with her secret Afro powers, kinetic energy gold hoop earrings and sorority tote bag loaded with indestructible weapons, the Hulk and Cocoa Fly are ready to fight evildoers and kick some boo-tay. Don't mess with Green and Black.
Oh my goodness, I had soooooo much fun at the 25th WonderCon in San Francisco this weekend. Twenty-five years for them, and a first for me. You don't understand. I love comic books, super heroes and fantasy stories. It was fun meeting people who share my borderline obsession. I was with my people this weekend LOL. With all of the activities, panels and vendors I was overwhelmed. There was so much to see and do. Thanks to my intern Michael Pleasent, I was able to cover a lot of things. You know I'm always on the hunt for influential women. The comics biz seems like a boys club. I wanted to meet women bringing their own color to the industry. I interviewed really cool women, including Batwoman and Supergirl DC Comics artist Amy Reeder. Of course I was a Cocoa Fly on the wall and got you the latest on what's happening on upcoming films like the Green Lantern and Immortals. I take back what I said about Ryan Reynolds, he's much cuter in person. Oh and peep this, I was at a press event for Immortals which stars Henry Cavill, also the next man to play Superman. He's a cutie too. That's an understatement. He is hella fine. I don't know what's with me and men in tights possessing super powers. Look at a few photos below from my adventure and check back throughout the week for interviews.

How does Supergirl fight crime in that top?
Photo by Michael Pleasent

I couldn't let Supergirl have all of the fun.
Photo by Michael Pleasent

"Cocoa Fly, I told you to stop acting up."
Photo by Jenee Darden

"Hey Mr. J!"
Harley Quinn and Cocoa Fly
Photo by Michael Pleasent

Deadpool posing at a Marvel costume contest. He also
does a mean running man. Seriously, he did the running man on stage.
Photo by Jenee Darden

Bishop of the X-Men visits from the future
to chill with Spidey.
Photo by Jenee Darden

How does Elvis concentrate with all of Catwoman's cleavage?
Photo by Jenee Darden

But the queen of cleavage and horror outsizes Catwoman.
Doesn't Elvira look great?! Watch those claws Wolverine.
Photo by Jenee Darden

My Childhood Friend, His Mental Illness and Halle Berry's 'Frankie and Alice'

2011-03-18T01:09:00.000-07:00

Halle Berry in "Frankie and Alice"
Photo Credit: Sergei Bachlakov

“I want to go home,” Kareem* said wearily over the phone from a mental institution about 15 years ago. That conversation from my high school days in Oakland rushed back to my mind during a scene from Halle Berry’s film “Frankie and Alice.” Berry plays Frankie Murdoch, a black exotic dancer in Los Angeles suffering from dissociative personality disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder) the 1970s. Frankie’s mind retreats to other personalities when buried memories from her youth in Georgia resurrect. The film is based on a true story. I’m still surprised Berry wasn’t nominated for an Oscar because she gives one of her best performances in this movie. Berry convincingly switches from Frankie, to a helpless 8 –year- old child, and then to a white, racist, Southern Belle named Alice. Frankie’s therapist Dr. Oz (not to be confused with Oprah’s Oz) tries to figure out the mysterious tragic memories his patient is running from. It’s a good film about coping with mental illness and how secrets come out even when we’re not ready.

The first shot of Frankie’s room triggered memories of my childhood-friend Kareem. Sterile white walls and an uninviting gray twin bed stuffed in the corner of Frankie’s new home made me wonder. Was his room like hers? Did he have a decent view from his window? Kareem was one of my closest friends during middle school. We became friends during our tweens in the early 1990s. Kareem and I talked on the phone about things like wrestling, Tupac, girl-group TLC, roller coasters and our class crushes. He played the dozens with sharpness and schooled me on the art of wit. A lot of black kids our age weren’t into “Seinfeld,” but Kareem loved it. Kramer’s signature stumbling entrance cracked him up. Kareem was persistent in getting me to tune in and I was stubborn. I loved “Martin” and didn’t think “Seinfeld” could compare. “Just watch it!,” Kareem would say. I finally gave in after months of persuasion and was hooked.

Things changed during high school. Kareem changed. He moved about 45 minutes away from Oakland and began getting in trouble at school a lot. That was not like him. He called me a number of times and said he was hearing voices. I thought someone laced his marijuana. I called his mother. I didn’t want to get Kareem in trouble but he needed help. His mother told me she knew about the voices and doctors had diagnosed Kareem with schizophrenia. My stomach dropped. Schizophrenia? I didn’t know much about schizophrenia then. All I knew was that schizophrenia was a mental illness and this situation was serious.

The first time I ever heard cool-kid Kareem sound vulnerable was when he said, “I want to go home.” Kareem told me he didn’t belong in a mental institution. I replied that he was sick and there to get better. During our other conversations he wanted to know about my life in high school. I told him things and we still laughed like in our prior conversations. He tried to keep his spirits up. Still a part of me felt guilty. Kareem was supposed to be hanging out at football games and getting girls’ phone numbers at the mall. That was how we envisioned high school, not this. I couldn't do anything to help him. You think you’re grown and know everything when you’re a teenager. I realized how young we really were as I saw Kareem’s life change so drastically.

Eventually I lost contact with Kareem and his family. He moved around to different facilities and his mother didn’t return my calls. I understand. She had other children, a husband, and a job to juggle in addition to Kareem. I commend her for being strong and taking care of her son. Even before “Frankie and Alice” I never stopped thinking about Kareem. Every time I catch a “Seinfeld” rerun, and watch Kramer fling open a door, I remember Kareem’s laughter. The upside to all of this oddly is Kareem was one of the lucky ones. He, like Halle Berry’s character, had access to mental-health services. Many people today aren't so fortunate. But that’s another post.

*Name changed

Fly Review and GIVEAWAY: Dove Shea Butter Cream Oil Body Wash

2011-03-18T00:29:00.000-07:00

Shea butter has become the Betty White of skin care. It’s good and has been around for a long time, but all of a sudden is the “new thing.” Dove got hip to the shea program and released their Shea Butter Cream Oil Body Wash. Warm vanilla and brown sugar scents accentuates the body wash. I gave the new Dove product a try and it smells as good as it sounds. Shower time is my special time to relax and get a spa feeling without going to the spa. The creamy lather felt smooth against my skin. Soft vanilla and brown sugar aromas mixed with the steam made for great showering experience. I left my bathroom with clean, moist skin. However, the body wash’s fragrance did not leave my bathroom. I used the body wash for three days straight then stopped. I didn't use much but my bathroom smelled like brown sugar and vanilla for four days straight after I stopped bathing with it. I’m surprised the smell lingered for days because the frangrance doesn't last too long on the skin. It’s not strong when you apply it on your body, which is a good thing. Even my roommate noticed the fragrance emitting from my bathroom. Overall, I liked showering with Dove’s Shea Butter Cream Oil Body Wash because it left my skin clean, smooth and smelling good. But the vanilla, brown sugary scent overstayed its welcome. I have an extra 24 oz bottle of the Shea Butter Cream Oil Body Wash. If you want to give it a try, tell me why your skin is like brown sugar or vanilla or shea butter. Maybe your skin is like all 3 put together. I'll send a bottle to the fly reader who gives the best answer and a few other fly treats. Email me your answer at cocoaflyblog@gmail.com. You have until Monday March 21st 11:59p.m. PST to win!

Revealing Hattie McDaniel An Interview with the Star of the Play 'Hattie...What I Need You To Know'

2011-03-10T16:50:00.000-08:00

Actress. Activist. Fashionista. Innovator. These descriptions apply to a number of Hollywood divas. But would you link them to Hattie McDaniel? Yes, the Hattie McDaniel who was the first black actor to win an Oscar. Don’t judge Lady M for her mammy characters. When the cameras were off and the head rag removed, Miss Hattie was a stylish entertainer with an interesting love life and fine taste. She loved her sorority, my sorority, Sigma Gamma Rho and believed in service. McDaniel successfully took legal action to end raced-based restrictions in real estate ownership. Actress and Philly-native Vickilyn Reynolds gives voice to the late and misunderstood actress in the musical play “Hattie... What I Need You to Know.” Reynolds, more like a vessel for McDaniel’s spirit, portrays the late actress telling her story. Reynolds wrote the play (the first she has ever written) which has traveled to New York City and Denver, McDaniel’s birth city. The play is running in Los Angeles at the Stage 52 Theater every Friday-Sunday until March 20th( go here for ticket info). Reynolds talked to me about learning self-love through Lady M, understanding her struggles and lesbian rumors surrounding the iconic actress.

Oscar Winner Hattie McDaniel. Notice the
resemblence between Miss Hattie and Vickilyn Reynolds.

You have performed all over the world and acted in film, television and theater. What inspired you to create this production?
Well I didn’t want to do it. I was ignorant to Hattie McDaniel because I thought all she did was play mammies and was a discredit to the race. Besides that, while writing this I found I had a truckload of self-hatred. People from time to time, even when I was younger, would say I look like Hattie McDaniel. I didn’t take that as a compliment. Before my brother passed away in ’95 he said, “Vickilyn, you should do a story on Hattie McDaniel.” … So I said let me do a little research on this lady. I fell in love with this woman. She was a pioneer. She was ahead of her time. I found I started loving myself through the process. I really believe this is one of my destinies.

Hattie had conflict with the NAACP because of the roles she played.
That’s what I picked up in my youth hearing that from people because I had no other reference.

As a black actress do you have more compassion for Hattie McDaniel because it’s harder for black actresses to get good roles?
Definitely. She did what she had to do in the time she lived. What I am ashamed of is that we’re still doing it and don’t have to. That’s the disappointment for me, to still be selling ourselves. We don’t have any dramas, no serious pieces or it is to the extreme. Until we have equal [access] to be able to speak about black interest in another form, then we have not reached the top of the mountain.

Idris Alba recently made similar comments about elevating the quality of black entertainment. You brought up the absence of black dramas, and the last one I can recall is “Soul Food” the TV series.
Now Oprah has a network and Tyler Perry [has a studio]. Everybody is in it for themselves and I know that’s what you do. But spread a little of that. I love Oprah but I’m so disappointed with her network thus far. But I’ll give her a chance.

I read her network’s ratings had dipped but I’m sure in time that will change.
She needs to put some more black people on there. And Tyler Perry is for Tyler Perry. He’s not putting up other black projects.

So you’re saying he should finance other movie makers.
Yeah, other projects besides his.

Did you talk to any of Hattie McDaniel’s family while doing research on her?
Yes, Edgar Goff and Mabel Collins collaborated on two of the songs. Mabel Collins is Edgar Goff’s wife and Edgar Goff is Hattie’s great-nephew. He gave me a lot of insight on her.

What was something that you learned about her that you were surprised to know?
There were so many things.

I didn’t know she was married four times [laughter].
[laughter]

I like the juicy stuff. But what’s funny about that is she played mammies. We don’t see the big, black woman in the mainstream in a loving, romantic relationship. She was married four times.
Big black women to black men were sexy. Hattie was a sex symbol.

The mammy is desexualized. To know Hattie was married four times disproves that myth. I’ve seen pictures of her in a fur coat standing by a fireplace. Those aren’t images we usually see of Hattie McDaniel. We usually see her with the mammy gear on.
Hattie was such a lady and a dresser. Truly, men loved her.

So often we look at trailblazers and heroes, but don’t see them as real people. I think we take them for granted.
Her story needs to be told. She deserves it. She went through a lot. She struggled and she was hurt over Walter White, his treatment of her. All she wanted to do was help. She had things changed in scripts.

Who was Walter White?
Walter White was the Executive Secretary of the NAACP. He was the one who brought Lena Horne into Hollywood.

That must be hard to try and break barriers when you don’t have support?
She wasn’t just working against the powers that be but her own people.

Vickilyn Reynolds as Hattie McDaniel

This is a weird question. As a writer, I’m curious to know your answer. When you write a song, how do you come up with the idea of the song?This has been an incredible journey. I’ve been trying to write songs for me to do a CD. It just doesn’t come. When I decided to do “Hattie” my husband bought me a laptop. When I sat down and started writing it just flowed…It was no mistake that I was born to look like Hattie McDaniel.

The title of your play is “Hattie: What I Need You to Know.” What do you think she needs us to know?

Before I started writing this I went to lie down at her grave and I started talking to her.

Reminds me of when Alice Walker went looking for Zora Neale Hurston’s unmarked grave and walked around the graveyard yelling Zora’s name. But, you were lying at Hattie’s grave…

Yeah I went to her grave and I talked to her. I can’t explain it to you in words but I would get a feeling. And on certain questions the feeling got even stronger. When I finished I felt like she said, “Go for it girl.” I feel like I told parts of her life that people would never know. That’s why I named the play because it’s what SHE wanted you to know. So many people, reviewers would say, “You didn’t say this or that. “ A producer friend of mine said, “You know she was lesbian?” I don’t know if she was a lesbian.

Right that is a rumor about her life.

I don’t know if she was a lesbian and nobody is here to confirm that. She had a lot of gay friends. She loved everybody and I know I have a lot of gay people in my life and people can presume I’m gay and be totally off mark. I’m not going to say she was gay. I’m not interested in that. I touched on [rumors] in the play about her and [actress] Marlene Dietrich.

That rumor speaks to her as being a woman ahead of her time because she was open to having friends of other sexualities. You’ve worked in TV, film and on stage. Which do you prefer?

I love theater. Theater is the hardest part of show business. You do eight shows a week. It’s live, it’s right there. You have immediate reaction from the audience. Television and film is hurry up and wait. It kills me. You get paid more for film and television but you work harder in theater.

She died of breast cancer. Ironically, she died in October which we now recognize as Breast Cancer Awareness Month. But she didn’t have a lot of money left. Was it because of health care bills?

I think she had $10,000 left. She was generous and her last three husbands were gold diggers. Especially the fourth one.

Was that the one she left $1?

The last one was Larry Williams and he spent her money like water. But $10,000 wasn’t anything to sneeze at then.

It’s not, but I read she made much more during her career.

She was a proud, black woman. She didn’t suffer from any hang ups as far as her looks. I’ve always had that all of my life, being a dark-skinned person. Philly is a very racial town among black people.

I grew up with the same thing among black people in Oakland. That’s just how we are.
I was slapped in the face when I was a little girl by a white man in South Carolina.

Oh my goodness.
I was slapped in the face by Chinese twins [in Philliy]. My brothers were ahead of me and we were [walking] to Bible school. They were walking fast and my short little legs couldn’t keep up. Those girls came out and said, “You black thing,” and slapped me across my face.

That’s cruel.
Growing up I was taught that I was great. I was fine. I looked in the mirror and loved my face. My mother and father told me I was the greatest thing in the world. It was a real conflict going from home where everybody loved you and going into the world and having your face slapped, it confused me.

Well, now that chocolate skin of yours is lightening up the stage [laughter].

[Laughter]

Red Pumps & Rubbers

2011-03-10T13:27:00.000-08:00

Photo Credit: duygu

He can't rock my boat without a life jacket. Or ride in my Benz and not wear a seat belt. He definitely can't drive my luxury car without a license and insurance. I won't accept his gift unwrapped. He's not allowed entry into this country without a passport. And he can't eat dessert without a napkin. You feel me? No condom. No lovin'!

Today is National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day (NWGHAAD). CocoaFly.com is participating in the Red Pump Project, which is raising awareness about the disease with over 1,000 bloggers. Women all over the country are rocking red pumps in this campaign. I don't have red pumps but if I did, the picture above would be on my feet. I'm not going to get too deep into the stats because we know they're dire. According to stats posted on the Red Pump Projects site, "women still represent 27% of all new AIDS diagnoses, with African-American women accounting for 66% of that group." And every 35 minutes a woman tests positive for HIV in the United States. I don't know if this is an issue of education or loyalty to the church, self-esteem or all of the above and more. I lost an uncle to AIDS so my family and I know first-hand this disease is real. But I want to encourage women reading this to put yourself first. Put your body first and think about it. I love good sex just like anyone else, but ain't no wee-wee better than my life. NO MAN is worth more than my life. Here are a few things on my heart I want you to keep in mind (brace yourself because I'm going to keep it real):

Photo Cred: Holly Williams

Talk to your daughters about sex. Break out the sex ed books and show pictures. Be forward and open to her questions. Talking to her about sex is not going to make her have sex. Trust me. She has hormones and is going to screw one day. Would you rather she learn about sex from you or the guy who's been checking her out in homeroom? If you don't know what to say to refer to parenting books or your doctor. My mother and aunts were very honest about sex and I think that's one of the reasons why I wasn't sexually active until my 20s.
Carrying condoms does not make you a hoe. That shows you care about your body.
If he doesn't want to use protection you better re-think letting him rock the boat. Think about it. There's a possibility he's had unprotected sex with his ex-girlfriend in his dorm building, the woman he dated who works at the bank, that girl he told you he had one-stand with the one time in his life he had a one-night stand, and whomever else. Which also means if any of those women had an STD, then he contracted it and could pass it on to...
When he says condoms are uncomfortable or don't feel good, think about how good you would feel if you tested positive. Or, if you contracted some other disease from him so he can feel "good."
For those of you into church I love the Lord but I'm also a realist. If premarital-sex is a sin but you're falling weak to abstinence, I'd rather you "sin" and be safe with a condom, then "sin" and be sorry. The church needs to step on this issue but that's another post.
If you suspect your man is cheating on you with another woman or man, consider closing up shop down there. I don't want to be lonely either, but I'd rather be alone than have him and an STD.
Go the OBGYN for regular checkups.
Get Tested.

I wish everyone reading this happy, healthy, fun SAFE sex. For Red Pump gatherings near you go here.

Black HERstory: Sherley Anne Williams A Literary Rose

2011-02-28T17:34:00.000-08:00

Writer Sherley Anne Williams

In honor of Black History Month, Cocoa Fly is recognizing black women who blazed trails, kick down doors in their heels and are making a difference in the Black HERstory series. I'm open to profiling women who made remarkable differences on a local and global scale. If you know of a black woman in your town or city who made history, email cocoaflyblog@gmail.com with your suggestions.

Sherley Anne Williams was an accomplished writer and poet. Shirley Anne Williams was the first black woman I ever called “professor.” Williams grew up the scorching fields of Fresno, Calif. where she picked fruit and cotton. Her family also toiled in the fields and lived on government assistance, according to the Los Angeles Times. At 8 years old she lost her father to tuberculosis. By 16 she was parentless when her mother died from a heart attack. *

So how does a poor, orphaned black girl from rural California eventually become a revered writer and college professor? Thank God for good teachers and, I assume, the audacity to dream. Williams loved books and was encouraged by her eighth grade and high school teachers to pursue college. A master’s degree, Emmy award and published books later—she was soaring in the literary world.

I met Prof. Williams in the spring of 1999. I was a sophomore at UC San Diego and enrolled in her Intro to African American Literature class. Whew, she and her TA ripped my papers up. I clearly remember a B- on one paper. I was going through some things at the time so I admit I wasn’t the best student. Still, I learned a lot from her. Prof. Williams introduced me to authors I never heard of like Nella Larson. She showed our class one of the most beautiful films I have ever seen in my life, “Daughters of the Dust.” And she left an impression on me when I read her groundbreaking novel Dessa Rose. The book is about a pregnant black slave on the run for killing a slave trader. A white plantation mistress who keeps her in hiding and they develop an interesting friendship. Dessa Rose was her most popular work and this year marks the 25th anniversary of its publishing.

Sherley Anne Williams was the first black woman I called “professor.” And I was one of the last students she taught at UCSD. I visited her office a few days after taking the final. Her room was filled with special mementos, pictures and literary conference posters from all the people and places she visited in the world. She told me about her travels and how she has given talks in different parts of the world. I had no idea her work was so revered in the African-American literary world. She never bragged about her accomplishments in class like some professors do. We had a great conversation. I explained how her teachings excited me about writing and literature. And I told her I was looking forward to taking more classes with her because I was going to minor in literature. Prof. Williams’ face changed. She gently cupped my hands. Her eyes softened and she gave me a weak smile. I thought it was sincere, but a little strange.

A few days later I went home for the summer. I got a call from my literature classmate. Prof. Williams had died from cancer in July. We didn’t know she was sick. Prof. Williams missed quite a few classes, but TAs filling in for professors at large public universities was common. I was upset when I heard the news. She was only 54. Her behavior during her office hours made sense to me. The woman was dying, but she took the time to answer all of my questions about her background, achievements and literature in that meeting. She cared and that’s what good teachers do. My love for literature began to mature after listening to Prof. Williams’ lectures. Life is interesting. She grew up a fruit picker, but planted seeds of knowledge through her writings and teachings.

Sherley Anne Williams was my professor.

*Facts are from LA Times

Special Needs Kids ‘Disable Bullying’ and Why Adults Need to Step Up

2011-02-24T17:09:00.000-08:00

Lauren Potter from "Glee" and

Mom Robin Sinkhorn in

"Disable Bullying" PSA

Geneva Biggus says that her 8-year-old daughter with cerebral palsy, Shaniya Boyd, tried to jump out of a window at school. Shaniya told her that “she just wanted to get away” after she was teased, kicked in the forehead by a boy and knocked off of the crutches she needs to walk.
“Three people were fighting me; two girls and one boy. The boy kicked me in my forehead for no reason, and then they hit me,” Shaniya said. The abuse had been going on for some time and Geneva stated that “the school did little to stop it.”

--from Walk A Mile in Their Shoes Report

Last week I listened in on a press conference held by AbilityPath.org, an online resource for families and educators of special needs children. They are partnering with the Special Olympics and Best Buddies International to launch a campaign that brings awareness about special need kids being bullied. "Glee’s" Lauren Potter is the celebrity spokesperson for the campaign and has battled bullies herself. View her PSA video below.

I read Ability Path’s “Walk A Mile In Their Shoes” report, and the quote above is just one example of the cruel things these vulnerable kids endure. According to the report, special-needs children are two times more likely to be bullied then non-disabled kids. If you follow this blog, you know that I’m passionate about anti-bullying. Kids picked on me in elementary school and I had my bouts with “mean girls.” Also I was an elementary school TA. Sometimes I worked with kids with disabilities and I have relatives with special needs. Something is wrong in our society where you have kids beating up a child on crutches. The report also cites an incident where children forced a boy to eat dog food. Then there’s the story of how a 14-year-old boy with a developmental disability was taken to the hospital for intoxication. Bullies were spiking his drink behind his back. What’s happening in classrooms now pales to my era where a bully took the nerd’s lunch money and pushed him against the lockers. I call it Bullying 2.0. Add to that the use of social media as a form of attack. Bullying 2.0 is extremely violent. Like California Superintendent Tom Torlakson said, “We really have child abuse by other kids and that has to be recognized by all responsible adults.” Sadly, some children can’t handle it and they take their lives.

Best Buddies International Founder Anthony Shriver made a comment that struck me. “One of the problem groups is the adults...who are denying the problem and are users of degrading language,” said Shriver. One of the “degrading” terms he referred to is “retarded.” Shriver’s point is valid because kids do follow examples from home. And if teachers aren’t stepping up to stop the bullying, it keeps going. I remember when I was TA and noticed how some parents of kids with behavior issues were in denial about their children’s actions. “No, not my child.” Or the parents vowed to work on their kid, but you could sense in their voice, they didn’t mean it.

I asked the panel how they expect this campaign to reach adults who are old-school in their thinking. You know those parents who see bullying as a part of childhood and people should just get over it. Shriver replied that once students learn that special-needs children are kids too, then they can influence their parents to think differently. Timothy Shriver, CEO of the Special Olympics added that bullying takes away from both the bullies’ and victims’ education and socialization. He urged adults to step up “…if they want children to learn, if they want children to come out differently than the 50 percent of kids today who are chronically disengaged; meaning they don’t belong to any student organization. They don’t feel any strong affinity to family, church, school or community organizations.”

CocoaFly.com will keep following this story. If we allow kids to bully and ridicule others because of their disability, sexual orientation, race, etc, imagine what kind of society we will have in the next 20 years. Sure bullying is not new, but when kids are killing themselves and each other (Remember Columbine?) things have gotten out of hand. For those with special needs children, friends, students, or relatives, read the “Walk in Their Shoes” report for information. It features tips on how to monitor your kids’ use on Facebook, signs of bullying, legal steps you can take if you feel your school didn’t fulfill its duty of protecting your child. I also think it’s a good source for parents whose children are bullies.

Are you the parent or teacher of a special-needs child? As I cover this topic throughout the year, what kind of coverage would you like to see on Cocoa Fly that has been missing in the mainstream?

What Are They Thinking? Happy Presidents' Day

2011-02-21T00:34:00.000-08:00

Presidents G.H.W Bush, Obama, G.W. Bush,
Clinton and Carter
source: Beverly & Pack

And you thought getting into a Hollywood club during NBA All-Star weekend was hard. No club is more exclusive then the Presidents Club. This photo was taken around the time of President Obama's Inauguration in 2009. Notice all of the other presidents are smiling except Pres. Obama. I wonder what they're thinking.

Pres. Bush: I'm going to have a long talk with my son when this is all over.

Pres. Obama: I gave this country so much hope. All I have to do is fix the economy, establish a health-care bill, develop an exit strategy for two wars, save Wall Street, get the girls a dog...Wait, what the hell am I getting myself into?

Pres. Bush: I am so outta here.

Pres. Clinton: Ahhh, yeah I still got it.

Pres. Carter: I'm the smartest guy in here. That new guy is gonna need all the luck in the world. Glad he isn't me.

What do you think was going on in their presidential minds?

Source:Official White House photo
by Pete Souza
Taken Jan. 16, 2010

I am so tired of the nasty partisanship
that has emerged in the last 10 years. Pundents on air and online are reaping serious $$$ from stirring political tension. While everyone is ~~giving the finger~~ pointing fingers to the left, right and in-between look what's happening in the photo to the right. I remember times when they all took shots at each other during elections. But if those three can be civil and work together, why can't Americans?

Enjoy your day off. Go to
the spa, get your nails done and take advantage of the good sales. Or just spend the day in your pjs and don't do a darn thing.

Black HERstory: Belva Davis A Journalism Trailblazer

2011-02-16T21:48:00.000-08:00

In honor of black history month, Cocoa Fly is recognizing black women who blazed trails, kick down doors in their heels and are making a difference in the Black HERstory series. I'm open to profiling women who made remarkable differences on a local and global scale. If you know of a black woman in your town or city who made history, email cocoaflyblog@gmail.com with your suggestions.

Belva Davis seems to have covered it all in her journalism career. In a span of nearly five decades, she has reported on the Black Panthers, political conventions dating back to 1964, Vietnam protests, the assassination of San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk, President Obama's historical presidential victory and a whole lot in between. Davis became the first African-American woman TV journalist in the Western United States in 1966. Not bad for a Louisiana girl born to a teen mother and raised in Oakland's projects.

Davis shares her struggles and triumphs in her memoir Never In My Wildest Dreams: A Black Woman's Life in Journalism. Breaking into mainstream journalism is not easy. As a woman of color navigating the industry in brutal economic times, I know the media path is rocky. Imagine the racism, sexism, and classism Davis endured to be on air back in the 1960s. According to her bio, a San Francisco station manager told her during a job interview he wouldn't offer her a position because he "wasn't hiring any Negresses." Yes, even in liberal San Francisco -isms exist. The drama didn't stop after Davis made it to TV. The pioneer overcame obstacles to stay on air. While covering the Patty Hearst kidnapping scandal in1974, white supremacists threatened to take her daughter. These are just a few examples of stories in her book.

I heard Davis speak at a nearby Barnes and Noble. I asked her what are some of the positive and negative changes she has seen in journalism. Davis says the internet has opened doors for journalists to independently create content and put themselves out there ( You know I understand). The problem, she says, with layoffs and cuts, is figuring out how to monetize journalism (Unfortunately, I understand this too well also). The negative changes she sees is slanted reporting and opinionated, so-called, journalism. This style of "reporting" doesn't bring other voices into the conversation on issues.

At 78, Davis has not closed her reporter's pad yet. The award-winning journalist hosts "This Week In Northern California" on the PBS station KQED. She's not the only history maker in her household. Her husband, William Moore is the first African-American cameraman hired for a major California station.

I must say, hearing Davis speak recently inspired me. I thank her for paving the way for women of color in journalism. Davis was a single parent of two, born during the Great Depression, grew up in a segregated society and still made her way to the anchor's chair. If she can persevere and live her wildest dreams, what's stopping you from reaching yours?

Click here for Belva Davis book-signing dates around the country.

Black HERstory: Mayme Clayton Phenomenal Collector of Black Artifacts

2011-02-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

Mayme Clayton

One of my favorite interviews of my career is with Mayme Clayton. I actually interviewed her when I was in graduate school for a class assignment but later used that audio for a public radio story. Clayton had the second largest collection of black memorabilia in the world. These rare pieces, like a signed book by Phyllis Wheatley and vintage Oscar Micheaux film posters, were not stored in a museum. She kept all of these priceless gems in her South Los Angeles garage. There must have been some history angels protecting her collection because even during the heat and rain her things stayed in good condition. Someone broke into her garage and all they stole was a boom box. Idiots. See what happens when you don't pay attention in school kids?

I went into her treasure chest/garage and was in awe. I actually got to see Phyllis Wheatley's signed book! Wheatley, a former slave, was the first African American poet published. For me, an African-American writer, I'll never forget that moment.

Avery Clayton

Clayton was a great interview. I admired her stories of travel and she loved life. Clayton worked until the end of her life in 2006 to establish a museum and research center for her collection. Her sons are now running the Mayme E. Clayton Library and Museum in Culver City, CA (near LA). The eldest son and museum's director Avery Clayton died unexpectedly in 2009. The museum still needs more funding. How sad that Los Angeles is home to some of the wealthiest black entertainers, athletes, entrepreneurs in the country (if only I were rich) and the Claytons still need a hand. If you want to help, visit their website http://claytonmuseum.org/.

Listen to the interview/obit I reported on Mayme Clayton for NPR back in 2006. You can read the interview as well, but you don't get the same feel as when you listen to the audio.

Right or Wrong? Rep. Gabrielle Giffords' Husband Will Go on Space Mission

2011-02-07T15:25:00.000-08:00

Astronaut Cdr. Mark Kelley and husband of Gabrielle Giffords recently announced he will blast off for an upcoming space mission this April that will keep him away for a few weeks. Right or Wrong? I say WRONG. Before I explain why I disagree with Cdr. Kelly's decision, I must say that I admire his strength and composure since that horrible shooting in Arizona. I'm not arguing Cdr. Kelly is a bad man. He's been with the congresswoman since the beginning of this tragedy. And my heart goes out to him. But do you mind if I keep it real? This man's wife was shot point blank, close range in the head by a gunman popping of a 9mm Glock semiautomatic. Miraculously Rep. Giffords survived, while six others did not. It has taken a team of good doctors and her fighting like hell to live. And she's still fighting for a full recovery. So why leave?

Kelly said in a press conference, "I know her very well and she would be very comfortable with the decision that I made." The public isn't fully aware of her condition, but saying "she would be" okay with the decision sounds to me like she doesn't know what is going on.

Cdr. Kelly is not new new to space. He flown in space three times already. If I was laying in a hospital bed recovering from a bullet soaring through my brain I would want my husband by my side. If the situation was reversed, I would be at my husband's bedside. Cdr Kelly said he wanted to go to ensure his crew has a safe and successful voyage. I understand he and the astronauts have been training for more than a year for this trip. What if Gabby's condition takes a turn for the worse and he's up in space? Or what if she looks for him and he's not there?

SOUND OFF What do you think of Cdr. Mark Kelly's decision to board the space shuttle and be away from his wife for a few weeks?

I have to bring gender into this. Do you think a woman is just as likely to make the same decision as Cdr. Kelly?

Black, Female and Nerdy-licious Interview With '32 Candles' Author Ernessa T. Carter Part 1

2011-01-24T23:42:00.000-08:00

A book about a funky, nerdy black girl--YES! So here’s the story…

Davie Jones childhood in Glass, Mississippi is no crystal stair. She grows up poor with a physically-abusive mother. Her mom is also the town’s easy lay. Classmates call Davie “Monkey Night” because of her dark skin and being a nerd doesn’t make her social life any easier. Then a new kid comes to her high school, James Farrell. Davie gets deep, pitbull puppy love for the wealthy jock who barely knows she exists. How does Davie get through these tough times in Mississippi and later blossom into self-love under a California sun? Molly Ringwald movies of course. It’s the plot to Ernessa T. Carter’s debut novel “32 Candles.” Carter pulls off a story that will make you fall out laughing, crying and gasp "oooh no" during the juicy parts. Even mega author Terry McMillan gave the new author a shout out on Twitter for her unique storytelling style. I interviewed Ernessa about her book and the possibility of it becoming a movie. Then we got personal about our childhoods, love, hair and how she’s handling in vitro fertilization.

Why a book about a black girl's love for Molly Ringwald movies?

I happen to be a black nerd who grew up in the ‘80s. Even though I don’t have very much in common with my main character Davie, you do kind of want to read about someone who is a little bit like you. In the books I read I felt like, especially, in terms of black literature and especially dark- skinned characters; women in novels were not dark skinned. Or they had these perfect glamorous jobs and just needed a guy. Or it was the other end of the spectrum with dark skinned women. They were kind of like Precious--aggressively down trodden…It kind of made me want to read something about somebody who started off with nothing but gained wisdom, experience and perhaps even love along the way.

I definitely related to the character because I’m of a cocoa complexion. Growing up I was a nerd. I still am a nerd and am proud of it. I also remember too being picked on for my skin complexion. Did you encounter that when you were growing up?

No not at all. Just kidding. [laughter] No, of course. When I was growing up I went to a Lutheran school and I was the darkest girl in my class. That was an interesting experience. You really wanted to crawl out of your skin. You just hated the skin that you were in…At the same I think it was really great. I wouldn’t trade my experience. I think there’s a big difference between growing up and being traditionally beautiful and saying, “Of course everyone told me I look good.” I think there’s something to be said for finding your own beauty.

You said you went to a Lutheran school. Where was this?
St. Louis, Missouri

Where there other black students there?
Mostly black students. I remember one white girl and white boy in the classroom. It was a pretty middle-income school.

Tell us more about the main character.
To borrow from our president she has the audacity of hope. Which is something you don’t see with a lot of characters like her. Basically she goes and sees the John Hughes movie “Sixteen Candles” for the first time when she’s seven years old and decides that’s the way she wants her romantic life to go. Did your high school romantic life resemble the movie?

I did not have the Molly Ringwald experience, which is funny because growing up I thought I would. We watched movies like “The Breakfast Club” and thought that was how high school was going to be.

You said earlier in the interview, “Why a black girl and John Hughes?” …When you go back to those movies there aren’t really any black people in them. There’s something almost derogatory said when Molly Ringwald’s character is mistaken for having a black boyfriend in “Sixteen Candles.” Yet I know so many black women like me, and like you, who identified with these movies and kind of this was how high school is going to be.

Would you say Davie idolized those movies?

She does idolize and build up her heart cult if you will. Also I think it says something about the characters like, “How dare you, someone so low on the totem pole dare to have that dream” but at the same time it’s one of the things I respect most about her. Obviously it gets her into a lot of trouble but I love that she decides, “Yeah I want that” and pursues it. It’s disastrous. [Laughter]

[Laughter] But aren’t teenage years often disastrous?

I always say in my opinion if you’re going to write a play you might as well write an opera. One of the things I respect Davie Jones for is if your teenage years are going to be disastrous, why not really go for it.

Her disaster wasn’t even just social in school. She’s abused by her mother. I was reading the book and I saw “The Color Purple.” I saw “Precious.” I saw “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings” because Davie stops talking from her mother’s abuse. What influence have some of these books had on your writing?

Well Maya Angelou grew up in St. Louis so obviously not only did we study her in school but she is a local hero. And it proved to me growing up in St. Louis that you could get out and have a life beyond St. Louis. So obviously “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings” meant a lot to me. “The Color Purple” is my favorite book of all time. “The Color Purple” has a happy ending. Most books about down trodden, dark-skinned heroines do not.

You brought up the down-trodden black character. When you look at books and films, a common theme is black women being abused. Some people are critical of this and say “Can we see images of black women where they aren’t being abused?” Others say, “Hey, this is real life. This happened to me and I’m glad it’s coming out.” Why has abuse become such a part of black women’s literary canon?

Right now there’s this national dialogue of “the poor black woman.” No one wants to date “the poor black woman.” “The poor black woman” gets abused all of the time and no one really appreciates her…I want to see “The Burning Bed” which is the ‘80s movie where Farrah Fawcett plays an abused wife and sets her husband on fire and then goes to trial. And I also want to see something a little fluffier like the mini rom-coms [romantic comedies] that came out in the ‘80s. So with the black woman’s experience right now it’s not that I don’t want to see “For Colored Girls” which is one of my favorite plays of all time. But I also want to see happier movies on the big screen. You want a diversity of the black woman’s experience.

I read in Variety that Miramax acquired the rights to your book. Is there anyone you have in mind you’d want to play Davie?

Well, just to set the Miramax thing straight. Miramax acquired the rights and then Miramax closed.

Oh no.

You don’t really see very many books becoming movies, especially black books, right after they’re published.

That’s why I was really impressed.

We’re working on getting another studio or production company.

Is there anyone you have in mind to play Davie?

It changes. Right now I’m kind of hot on Kerry Washington playing Davie. There aren’t a lot of dark-skinned actresses in Hollywood right now. It would probably be an unknown. There’s a really great theater actress who I actually went to school with, Susan Heyward. If she ever decided to come out to LA I would love for her to be “the unknown.”

Was she in that recent theater production of “Sabrina” ?

Yes.

I love “Sabrina.” That’s one of my favorite movies.

[Heyward] is an amazing actress. I had many occasions to work with her and she can do anything. You should see her as a romantic lead. She can make you fall in love with her no matter who you are.

CLICK HERE FOR PART 2

Black, Female and Nerdy-licious Interview With '32 Candles' Author Ernessa T. Carter Part 2

2011-01-24T23:41:00.000-08:00

Click here if you missed Part 1 my interview with '32 Candles' author Ernessa T. Carter. She also runs the blog Fierce & Nerdy. Ernessa and I talk love, fertility and hair in the second part of our interview.

The story takes a switch of tone when Davie moves to LA. The book is a bit of an emotional roller coaster. There are parts where I wanted to cry, then crack up laughing. Were you emotional writing it?

People always say it switches tone, but I feel life is a switch of tone. I was a playwright dealing with these deep, cynical plays about love and relationships and religion. Then I met this really great guy and I was so happy. I sat down to write a play and I didn’t have that cynical sadness anymore. What do you do with all of this happiness? I started writing the book. That’s kind of like what life is after you fall in love, a tone switch. You don’t think the same way. You don’t write the same way either. Yeah it was emotional for me, all within the course of writing this novel I fell in love, got married.

Which disputes the image of black women not being marriageable, especially those of us on the chocolaty hue of the color spectrum.

What I find very interesting about all of these discussions is not only am I happily married black woman but I know a lot of happily married black women. Why are we never invited to the discussion?

You come off to me as a woman who thinks outside of the box. And I’m looking at the bio on the jacket of your book. You’ve worked as an ESL teacher in Japan, a music journalist in Pittsburg, a payroll administrator in Burbank, a radio writer for Ryan Seacrest. You were in the LA Derby Dolls. We as black women can do anything. Some of the things you’ve done, they’re not things that people would say, “That’s what black women do.”

[Laughter]

I would do all of those things. Is there any pressure for you to fit in this mold of “this is what black women do”?

My mom was a huge nerd. She really loved “Dr. Who” and “Star Trek.” She had her nose in a book all of the time. She was the family’s nerdy sheep. My family is very loving and accepting. There was this kind of realization that [my mom] Betty and her daughters were these huge nerds. Our hair was never right. We all wore glasses. It’s just one of those things where you learn how to fly your freak flag.

I was reading on your blog that you just cut off your hair again. I know a lot of black women are doing the “big chop.” The "Big Chop" is where black women cut off their to go back to their natural hair texture. Maybe maybe it has been damaged by a relaxer and they just want to grow fresh.

In my case I was already natural.

Right and there are people like you who have been doing this for [a while]. And you did it twice?

This is actually my third one. I big chopped in high school when I first went natural at the age of 17. Then I eventually grew dreads and I big chopped those into a natural. I’m about to start the process with …in vitro fertilization to hopefully have a second baby. The first time that I did it, we were frustrated because it’s a process learning you have to get invitro fertilization…I had big chopped it before and this year I have two books I want to sell.

So, big chopping is a good luck thing for you?

Yeah I guess for me it’s a good luck thing…The next book is “The Awesome Girls Guide to Dating Extraordinary Men.” It’s all about dating in LA.

Is it a novel?

It’s a novel…all from quirky black girls’ perspectives. Tammy from “32 Candles” becomes one of the main characters in this book.

Oh, we have a spinoff. There’s definitely a need for the funky black girl to be represented. She exists but we don’t see her enough [in the mainstream]. Last thing, what did you learn about writing a book after the process that you wish you would’ve known before?

Mostly I wished I worked on my social skills a little more. You think that being a writer, you’re going to be alone all of the time. And you’re going to sit in front of the computer. But a lot of it is learning to talk to a lot of different people. In my opinion, even if you’re a wanna-be writer: work on your social skills, make friends, learn to give a speech. I think a lot of writers beat themselves up or their publishing company. I try to forgive myself for any mistakes I think I might have made. Life is a journey. Writing is a journey.

Kitchen Drama My Pyrex Dish Exploded In the Oven

2011-01-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

Luckily no glass got into the chicken.
Photo Credit: Jenee Darden

'Twas a few nights before Christmas and all through the house
Lingered the smell of baked chicken
and my Boyz II Men CD
was jammin'
I bopped to the kitchen to check on my chicken
And saw on the glass dish, my wings were stickin'
I added tap water to loosen them up
Not knowing my glass dish would soon erupt
The dish went BOOM. I shrieked "AHHHH!" Glass flew all over the oven. It was a hot glass mess...

This is just some of the glass I had to clean up. Not fun
Photo Credit: Jenee Darden

This was the second time within a year I experienced a glass dish explosion. The pictures above are from my first explosion. Again I was baking chicken but the dish was lined with foil. I can't remember if I was adding water but when I turned over my wings, the darn thing went KA POW! and scared the hell out of me. I thought my dish was cracked and expansion from the hit caused it to blow.

For those of you thinking I'm stupid for adding water to a hot pan, I've been doing that for many years with no problem . And so has my mother and grandmother. Apparently I'm not the only whose glass dish exploded in the oven. For the last six years, hundreds of people have sent in complaints to Consumer Affairs about their glassware dishes exploding and CBS News reported last month (see video below)that thousands have gone to the hospital for injuries over the past nine years. It's not just Pyrex dishes, but Anchor Hocking and other brands as well. Apparently if the dishes go from extreme temperatures they explode. According to the CBS story, Consumer Reports safety experts think companies like Pyrex are making their products with a different type of glass today, but Pyrex says they're using the same glass. And the company says there are warnings on the back of the dishes' labels. But how many people read that small, black font on the back of those labels? Especially those of us who have been using Pyrex since we could reach the dials on the stove. It's a product we trust and had no problem with until now. Pyrex and other companies need to make their warning list more visible. For all of you cooks out there, be careful. Check the bottom of the CBS News story for a list of DOs and DON'Ts when handling your glass bakeware dishes. Also Consumer Reports covers glass bakeware safety in their January issue.

Happy 2011

2010-12-31T09:00:00.000-08:00

Wishing you and your loved ones a Fun and Safe New Year. Thank you so much for supporting this website. I look forward to bringing you new content and fun posts in 2011!

No New Year's Resolutions For Me

2010-12-29T16:24:00.000-08:00

Every New Year's Eve I whip out my journal to scribble down my hopes and goals for the upcoming year. This Dec. 31st I'm not writing shhhh...shiitake mushrooms. I looked at my list of 2010 resolutions and was disappointed that I hardly crossed off anything on my list. Sometimes New Year's Resolutions don't work. Most of the time resolutions work when people do the work. It took me 3 resolutions to finally lose thost 15 pounds that kept me out of my favorite Guess jeans. Two car accidents and lack of exercise kept the fat on. My will burned it off. Other times resolutions don't work because life happens. Although I've been working toward that big paying job that's been on my resolution for sometime, no luck in this economy. So I'm doing things little different. I know what I want and need for 2011. Instead of doing the same ol' stuff that wasn't advancing me, I got a head start in 2010. Earlier this month I began to execute changes I needed to make in my life and career. Why wait until Jan 1 if this needs to jump off now? And instead of just writing keep my weight down, boost viewership to my website, etc. I wrote a plan of how I would achieve these goals. I'll still say my prayer at midnight thanking God for another year and sip on a glass or two of Moscato. But I'll still eat up some black-eyed peas New Year's Day for good luck. Hey, a girl has to stick with some traditions.

2010 Bests, Worsts and Just Wrong

2010-12-29T01:43:00.000-08:00

Looking back on 2010 I can't say it was a perfect 10 of a year for me. Maybe it was for you. But news wise it was very interesting.

We Can Never Forget
The year kicked off with devastation when a big earthquake rocked Haiti. It felt like we were watching Hurricane Katrina all over again. Bloomberg News reports about 230,000 people were killed. Now the country has another battle on its hands: cholera outbreak. The world poured in a lot of money to help the earthquake victims. Like the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, I still question after all of the money, volunteers and aid sent to ease the devastation what's taking so long for a recovery?

Most Inspirational
Chile was also hit with a deadly earthquake early in the year. The 8.8 quake took the lives of hundreds. I've been in 7.0 quake and I can not imagine the rumble and fear from one that size. But there was a ray of hope later in the year when 33 Chilean miners were rescued after being trapped underground for two months. And you thought spending the snowed-in holidays with your in-laws was bad.

Juiciest Guilty Pleasure News
It rained golf clubs and jump offs in 2010. Oh, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. The scandal began around Thanksgiving 2009 when rumor was Woods' wife Elin could swing the heck out of a golf club and had good aim, especially if you were caught cheating on her--allegedly. The number of women claiming to have romped with Tiger kept growing. The man had more side dishes than the dinner buffet at the Rio Hotel in Vegas--allegedly. All of that, ahem, playing cost Woods his marriage, endorsements, reputation and a lot of money.

First Lady and Daughter
in Spain

Most Graceful Under Fire
From her chiseled arms to her initiative to curb obesity, First Lady Michelle Obama gets criticized for the most ridiculous things. But Mrs. Obama still keeps doing her thing. Earlier in the year some in the media labeled her "Marie Antoinette" after her lavish trip to Spain during hard economic times. Lady O says she made the private trip to visit a close friend who lost her father.
Most Lame
John Mayer dropping the "N-word" and comparing his penis to a "white supremacist" because he's not sexually attracted to black women. Which is why I denied his bootleg "Hood Pass."

Watch your hands Regis.

Most Disrespectful
Regis Feelbin or Philbin? I didn't blog about this earlier but Regis Philbin patting Nicki Minaj on the butt was sooooo disrespectful. I'm not a Niki Minaj fan and I know her lyrics aren't the most PC. I also know she wore a tight knit dress to her performance on "Live with Regis and Kelly." But that doesn't give Regis the right to touch her without permission. When I saw the video, my mouth dropped open like the time Kanye crashed Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. I'm sure plenty of women have come on the show with tight clothes. Look at the tape. He looked at Minaj's butt like it was a pork chop. Philbin did not apologize for the butt pat. I think he disrespected not just Minaj, but his wife. Mrs. Philbin may or may not care. His tasteless act definitely changed my view of Regis Feelbin, I mean Philbin.

Just Wrong
In October, Judge Cassandra Mullen sentenced Tony Simmons, a New York juvenile probation counselor who plead guilty to raping and sexually assaulting 3 teen girls to PROBATION. There's debate over whether the judge was too easy or the light sentence came through a plea deal. Still, a confessed rapist of children who abused his powers is punished with probation. What the...??? The teen, now 20 years old, who reported the rape 5 years ago was sentenced to a year for a falsified report. Of course, officials now know the accusations were true. Now Judge Mullen may stiffen the punishment because the counselor has shown no remorse and she considers him "a danger to the community." Apparently he thinks the alleged sodomy, rape and oral sex were all consensual. Maybe he would've gotten a harsher punishment if he killed dogs.

Made Me Sick

The capture of the alleged Grim Sleeper serial killer who murdered poor, black women in South Los Angeles for two decades. Now pictures of 180 women found in his home have police questioning how many he really killed.

Biggest Mess
BP's oil spill in the gulf. It hurt our environment and small businesses. BP's cheesy commericals didn't help either.

Elizabeth Edwards

Most Strength
I want boxing gloves like Elizabeth Edwards. Even through the cancer, the loss of a son and her husband fathering a child outside of their marriage, she still held her head high. Mrs. Edwards fought for her life and her family with admirable class and grace. That is an example of true strength.

Teena Marie

Fly Ladies We'll Miss
I ain't gonna let you go that easy you've got to say you love me too
Teena Marie is gone? Teena Marie? I can't believe it. She was only 54 and died day after Christmas. Her songs are part of the roots to my love for music. I remember listening to her records in my uncle and aunt's den with family. She had a beautiful voice and lot of soul.
Leena Horne, Dorothy Height, Rue McClanahan and Dixie Carter are some fly ladies we lost this year.

Favorite Interview

Photographer Saddi Khali

Saddi Khali is just as fascinating as his work. I enjoyed our interview and learned so much from him about survival, pursuing your dreams, self-love and appreciating the chunks and chips of life's pleasures.
Another favorite, Joey Mazzarino, head writer of Sesame Street, heart-touching story about making the "I Love My Hair" sketch that went viral of the internet. Plus it was cool talking to someone who works with Big Bird and Elmo.

Janelle Monae

Best Album
I listened to Janelle Monae's The ArchAndroid so much I had to stop for a while. I could hear the songs in my sleep. Take me back to Wonderland.
The woman is super-crazy talented and underrated. If Justin Beiber and Katy Perry are big hits...I'm just sayin'.

Andy Allo's UnFresh

Favorite New Artist
Love, Love. Love ANDY ALLO. Her album UnFresh is hella fresh. And she has an inspiring story.

Immigration rally in LA
photo cred: Jenee Darden

Don't Underestimate
The Latino Vote. California governor candidate and former Ebay CEO Meg Whitman spent the most money on a campaign and had a strong lead in the polls. Her ratings took a dive when her former maid, a Latina went public claiming Whitman knew she was an undocumented immigrant but fired her after deciding to run for office.

Sarah Palin isn't
going anywhere soon.

Liberals are wishing for Sarah Palin to run in 2012 but don't underestimate this woman. I've said this a million times. Palin is well liked by many and knows how to draw people in.

Most Over Exposed
Speaking of Palin,I need a break from the former governor and her Alaska family. I was done after Bristol's run on "Dancing with the Stars." It was too much. But I know Sarah "Everyday I'm Hustlin'" Palin and her family aren't going anywhere.

Please STOP
If Lindsay Lohan weren't a movie star, but some young woman from Fresno who worked for Walgreens she would still be sitting in a jail cell. I'm tired of her foolishness making headlines.

Just Ridiculous
Airport security ~~pap smears and prostate exams~~ pat downs and screening photos. There has to be a better way to ensure our safety. Seriously, there has to be.

Don't Mess with Her

Michelle Rhee

Michelle Rhee upset a lot of people with her tough approach to fixing Washington, D.C public schools. Voters made sure the Chancellor didn't come back. But that hasn't stopped Rhee. She's taking her passion to a national level with her non-profit Students First. I've worked in public schools and a change is needed. The U.S. will not remain a superpower with the poor-quality education many of our children receive. I'm looking forward to what she has in store for 2011.

Det. Ferris Jones

NYPD Officer Ferris Jones was off-duty and getting her hair done when some fool decided to rob the salon. Officer Jones shot the gun out of the robber's hand. She was promoted to Det. Jones. Don't mess with a woman during her "Me Time."

For the History Books

Pres. Obama signing DADT repeal

Healthcare Reform passes but it cost the Dems the house.

Julian Assange founder of WikiLeaks who can't hold water or top secret government documents.

The UConn Huskies Women's Basketball Team breaking UCLA Men's team winning-streak record

Don't Ask Don't Tell is gone. No questions asked.

If you have 2010 Best Worsts or Just Wrongs speak your mind in the comments.

My Christmas Jam! Little Jackie's 'Mrs. Claus Ain't Got Nothin' on Me'

2010-12-22T00:30:00.000-08:00

Little Jackie

Target has been jamming with the Christmas jingles this year. My FAVORITE is Little Jackie's "Mrs. Claus Ain't Got Nothin' On Me." It has an old school, Motwown, mama playing records while cooking greens and cornbread soulful sound. You've seen the commerical. Holiday seasons are crazy-hectic for women because we're shopping, cooking, cleaning, decorating, wrapping gifts, attending and throwing holiday parties, traveling and keeping our excited kids calm. This is on top of us going to school, working and handling our regular duties. Whew, it's too much! But this song makes you pop your collar a bit and feel like, Hey, I got this. "Mrs. Clause Ain't Got Nothin' on Me" is on my top Christmas songs list with the Temptations "Silent Night" and Boyz II Men "Let It Snow. " Can't wait to hear more music from this group. By the way you can download it for free at Target's website. And aren't you loving Blackalicious' "Toy Jackpot"? You know that commercial with the kids unwrapping their toys after Santa comes but the video is playing backwards. The hook is "Is it time yet? Is it time? I can't wait." Takes me back to when I was a kid and could hardly sleep on Christmas Eve. That song is available on Target's site for free too. Watch both song's videos below.

There are certain songs/albums I MUST hear around the Christmas season:Vanessa Williams' "Little Drummer Boy," all of Kenny G's Christmas albums, Louis Armstrong's "Christmas Night in Harlem," Boyz II Men and the Temptations, Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas," Bing Crosby "White Christmas," then we stop in the hood with Snoop Dog's "Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto," and of course Nat King Cole's "Christmas Song."

89! UConn Women's Basketball Team Breaks UCLA Men's Record What's Up with the Sexism?

2010-12-21T23:20:00.000-08:00

It took Huskies to beat the Bruins. University of Connecticut's women's basketball team can play ball, but they weren't playin' (you know there's a difference between playing and playin') tonight when it came to earning the record of the highest college basketball winning streak. UCLA men's team set their 88-win record during the 1971-1974 seasons. The ladies claimed their 89th victory, beating Florida State 93-62 in a sold out game. Maya Moore scored 41 points. See what I mean when I said they weren't playin'?

I've read articles about some sports fans being excited about the team. Others dismiss the victory because they don't think the women's team could have taken on UCLA men's team anyway. Then there's the media coverage. UConn Coach Geno Auriemma said recently the team is getting a lot of attention, but with a twist of sexism:

“

If we were breaking a women’s record, everybody would go, ‘Aren’t those girls nice, let’s give them two paragraphs in USA Today, you know, give them one line on the bottom of ESPN and then let’s send them back where they belong, in the kitchen.”

Interesting. We know sports fans give women's college basketball little love. The last time a women's college b-ball team made headlines was when Don Imus spewed, racist-sexist jokes about the women's Rutgers team on air. And if the Huskies trampled over the lady Bruins record would Maya Moore's photo be on the front page of Sports Illustrated and ESPN websites? I doubt it, but I could be wrong.

Analysis aside, congratulations to the Huskies. They are truly the queens of all college basketball courts. What a great college memory to have. To those disappointed UCLA fans, look on the bright side. Imagine if the USC women's team would've broken the record? Talk about bragging rights for life. Fight On!

I Need a Small Favor Take My Short Survey Pretty Please

2010-12-14T22:37:00.000-08:00

Make that,"Pretty please with some chocolate sprinkles, low-fat whipped cream and a juicy, red cherry on top? (batting big brown eyes as I type this?" As I work on making this blog grow I need your feedback. I want to know what works for you on this site and what works your nerves. While you're on the train or the boss is in a meeting, please fill out my short survey so I can get an idea of what I need to do to make this website better and flourish. It should take no more than a couple of minutes. The survey is anonymous so just keep it real with the answers. I can handle the constructive criticism. Of course I love a compliment. Whether it's constructive criticism, praise, or somewhere in between it's all love because both will make CocoaFly.com grow. I want this site better for me and you. Thanks!
Click HERE for the survey.

Brown Betties 'Harlem's Night' Cabaret/Burlesque Will Turn Up the Heat in Atlanta

2010-12-04T23:29:00.000-08:00

Remember that man? The one who drove you crazy in a bad way. Then he made it up to by driving you crazy in a good way. You remember loving him with all of your heart? But at times you hated him to the bone. Still you wanted him. You wanted his time, his lovin', his laughter, his attention. Every piece of him you wanted-- so bad that you thought you needed him. Then he broke your heart and you hated him...again. But that's love. Right? Well it's also the premise of the show "Harlem's Nights" starring the Los Angeles cabaret/burlesque troupe Brown Betties. The show is coming to Atlanta for two nights only December 9th and 10th.

"Harlem's Night" is about a woman who is head over heels, can't think straight, in love and lust with a man named Joe. But when you see the show there are four women on stage. Each represents Harlem's conflicted feelings: Love, Hate, Need and Want. I saw the show earlier this year and if you're in Atlanta you MUST see it. "Harlem's Night" sold out in LA and New York City. There's dancing, singing, spoken word and it's tastefully sexy. I interviewed the show's creator Peppur Chambers and the rest of the Brown Betties at a Los Angeles performance earlier this year. Listen here for a taste of what to expect. There were a lot of couples at the LA show I attended so you may want to take your fella or lady. Keep the kids at home. Check it out and let me know your thoughts.

What: Harlem's Night Cabaret
When: Thursday, December 9th and Friday December 10th
Where:Paris On Ponce
716 Ponce De Leon Place NE
Atlanta GA 30306
CALL 770.232.1589 for info and showtimes or click here

Can't Keep My Fingers Out of My Hair

2010-11-19T00:46:00.000-08:00

"Don't touch your hair for five minutes. Go!" That's the challenge I give my mother since she went natural earlier this year. Mom loves her hair and constantly touches it (a few times she didn't make it to five minutes). She's not alone. For some of us neo-naturals, our kinks and curls are like new discoveries after years of straightening. And our fingers are itching to explore the treasure on top. I remember friends in college always twisting their hair during early stages of their locking journey. And I'm proudly guilty of playing in my mane as well. Since I've put down the pressing comb, my fingers seem to be dancing in my afro and twists non-stop.

A few months ago I sent my hot comb and pressing cream on a long vacation. My hair needed a break from the heat and I needed a break from pressing it. I got a few ideas for styles from Prettydimples01 Youtube channel. Her hair is much thicker than mine and she's a professional stylist. When I tried to mimic her styles with my bathroom-beautician skills and semi-thick strands...well, just imagine the catastrophe for yourself. I had to tweak her styling methods for my own texture. This meant a lot of experimentation. There wasn't much need for a brush and comb. My fingers were doing the work. I've been using a hot comb for a least 25 years. That's most of my life. So while I had straight-hair styling down, I was in the beginners class of Natural Hair 101. The more I played with my hair, the deeper I fell in love with not how it looked, but felt. I noticed its softness through manual teasing to make it poofy. I could feel its bushiness under my fingernails while massaging my scalp with rosemary oil. Even combing out the little kink balls shedding from my hair ends was fascinating. It was as if my fingers touched my hair for the very first time.

My first natural style were two-strand twists. I overindulged on shea butter and locking gel. The result wasn't pretty, but droopy. My twists looked and felt sad. I gave the style another go, less gel and no shea butter, and my twists curled up like a smile. I stood in front of the mirror, pulled a twist and boing, it snapped right back to my head. My little twists have springiness and should I dare say, energy. I didn't know my hair could go boing, but I liked feeling the springiness. Many times when I'm working or doing nothing, I catch myself pulling at them.

Two weeks later I took down my twists and picked my hair in an afro. I noticed it starting to get dry. Although I put the shea butter away after my droopy twists, I rubbed some in my 'fro to give my hair life. My hair turned into cotton candy. It was soooooo fluffy and thick. I let my fingers lose themselves in the meadow on my head. Once again I was pleasantly surprised by the texture and the look. I always thought my hair wasn't thick enough for an afro. Not only is my hair thick enough, but soft with a little bounce.

Since sporting my first afro I've said a little thank you to God. All of these years I've been straightening my hair and not fully appreciating my God-given texture. That's not to say I'll never press my hair again because I like the versatility of black hair. But it will be a while before I do. I'm having fun discovering cute ways to style my hair, minus the heat. Embracing my natural beauty a little more feels good. And so does my hair.

Listen to Cocoa Fly's Interview on the show 'Blogatique With Ananda Leeke'

2010-11-17T19:37:00.000-08:00

Ananda Leeke

Last night I was a guest on the Blog Talk Radio Show "Blogatique with Ananda Leeke." I had a great time and again thank Ananda Leeke for inviting me to be a guest. Leeke is one of my sorority sisters and we have never met. We've communicated online and this was our first conversation offline. This month she's profiling Sigma Gamma Rho members who are entrepreneurs and use social media in their work . We talked about my career in journalism and blogging. Of course we chatted up about my experience with sisterhood and Sigma Gamma Rho. If you want to learn something about journalism, or sororities or ME listen below. Next week Leeke interviews Racquel Dozier, editor-in-chief of Sigma Gamma Rho's magazine The Aurora. Dozier has lupus and will talk about the work she does to educate others about the disease.

Listen to internet radio with Ananda Leeke Show on Blog Talk Radio

Cocoa Fly Gets Interviewed

2010-11-16T00:43:00.000-08:00

Usually I'm the one asking the questions. But tonight, Tuesday Nov. 16th, I'll be answering questions. Blog Talk Radio host and social media guru Ananda Leeke will be interviewing me on her show "Blogatique with Ananda Leeke." We'll be talking about journalism, media, my involvement with Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority and other good stuff. Listen in at 9:30 EST and 6:30 PM/PST online. Just click here.

Good Vibrations 'Mommy's Playdate' and Dr. Carol Queen Answers Your Sex Questions

2010-11-10T15:59:00.000-08:00

Good Vibrations Berkeley location

On a recent Tuesday night, I joined a small group of moms in Berkeley for their kid-free "me time." No diaper changes, no Barney sing-a-longs. Instead, brownies, vibrator tutorials and Mommi-tini cocktails. Those are just a few fun things to expect at Good Vibrations' "Mommy's Playdate." The women-friendly sex store hosts the FREE event to help moms, who put sex on the back burner, get the fire blazing again.

For many mothers, sex becomes less of a priority when cleaning runny noses or singing lullabies. I'm not a mom. But from what I hear, after a day of mommy duty, the last thing some of you want to do is get it on with your partner.

"Being exhausted does have an impact on your sex life," said Susie, 39 while holding a basket of adult-goodies she won from the event's raffle. Susie's six-year-old twins were spending time with their dad during her playdate. "I'd figured he'd be even happier knowing I was coming to get some fun things to bring home."

Dr. Carol Queen addresses our questions

The store's sexologist, Dr. Carol Queen provided the moms with a host of ideas for the bedroom, bathroom, etc. Women followed Dr. Queen on a tour of the store from the Bondage S&M area to the vibrator section and more. At each section Dr. Queen explained how certain devices worked while also answering our questions about sex and the body (Did you know there are condoms for vegans?). Good Vibrations is not like the traditional dark, seedy, XXXX adult shops. The store feels more like a boutique with its bright lights and friendly saleswomen behind the counters. The environment along with Dr. Queen's openness made the mommies comfortable asking questions. We gained a ton of information from Dr. Queen. Some of the interesting points were:

--Lube, Lube, Lube
Sometimes you need lubricant to help get aroused. Dr. Queen says, "a dry finger touching the vulva may not do the trick like lubricant."

--I never knew the purpose of cock rings until Dr. Queen schooled us. She says, "They firm the penis and make erections more sensitive. Some are designed for clitoral stimulation, especially the vibrating ones."

--Crib liners can serve a dual purpose. For those who see cleaning up after sex as a hassle or time consuming, Dr Queen recommends you, "...use crib liners and sit on them when fooling around. You wont have to worry about your [fluids] or his."

It may look like a rubber
duck...

--Dr. Queen also encouraged we invite our partners to join us during toy play. And contrary to what we've heard about vibrators being only for women, she says men enjoy them too. "Vibration talks to nerve endings...Lots of guys feel the vibrations and go, 'whatever, that feels good.'"

--Sometimes the toys can be your substitute when your partner wants some lovin' and you want some zzzz's.

"It's good to have those toys for the guys too, " said Helen, a single mother of a tween daughter and attending her second Mommy's Playdate She said when you're in not in the mood just hand him the toy and say" 'Here you go honey. Not tonight for me.' [laughter]"

-- Of course you don't want your man or woman to run off and marry Duracel. So when you want to have playtime with your partner, without waking the kids, Dr. Queen suggests trying silent vibrators.

Good Vibrations next "Mommy's Playdate" is
Tuesday Nov. 16th
7-9pm
620 Polk Street (at Sacramento Street)
San Francisco, CA 94109
(415) 345-0400

Dr. Carol Queen Answers Your Fly Questions About Sex and Parenthood

Sexologist and author Dr. Carol Queen was so gracious to answer Cocoa Fly readers' questions about parenthood and sex. Thanks to those of you who sent in questions.

Q: My cousin has a very traditional husband/marriage. She was a virgin when she got married & had a baby 1 1/2 years ago. Her husband says sex feels different now & she's worried that's she's "stretched out" down there. How much does your vagina stretch after a baby? Does it keep stretching after each baby? Will it ever feel the same for her husband?

Dr. Queeen: Your cousin should learn about Kegel exercises (also known as PCs, for the muscles involved: the pubococcygeal). These are vaginal exercises that tighten it all up after birth, plus they're great for making birthing a little easier -- they make the vaginal muscles more flexible, not just tighter -- and they make orgasms feel stronger too! Hers, anyway, and I am guessing that if she has better vaginal muscle control, his might just feel better also.

Here's information about these exercises: http://www.goodvibes.com/content.jhtml?id=How-To-Do-Kegels-Strengthen-PC-Muscles

Can masturbation help a woman get her sexual feelings back after having a baby?

Absolutely. The best thing about masturbation, in a situation like this, is that you can use that time to focus on exactly what your body wants, sensation-wise; also, you can figure out whether your responses have changed, and that in turn allows you to tell you partner about the "new you" -- it takes you longer to come now, or you like sensation to be a little softer or harder, or whatever it may be. Plus -- it's YOU time, without having to be distracted by another person. (Being distracted by your partner can be very sexy and sweet, but it can take your focus away from your own body.)

I'm a single mother and I have a 7-year-old. How do you explain to your child that your "friend" is "spending the night" without getting into a whole sex talk? What to say if your child wakes up and finds your "friend" walking out of mommy's room the next morning? Should you tell your 7 year old that mommy is having sex?

I don't recommend EVER lying to a kid who asks you a direct question about sex. They will remember it later when they find out the real answer somewhere else, and it will erode trust. That said, you don't have to over-share to your kids. You can say, "Sometimes adults have sleepovers with the friends they really like" -- which is true enough, right? If it's more than one friend and they arrive at the house after your child's gone to sleep, I'd recommend specifically telling your child that sometimes you do have sleepovers, rather than just having the kid run into a stranger in the hall without any forewarning. And also, if that DOES happen, introduce the child to your friend -- it's your child's house, and that's a sign of respect.

We like to be spontaneous, but our lifestyle is busy with work and baby. How can we get it going without having to "plan" it?

Well, first off, don't knock planning it, because sometimes the best experiences happen when you schedule them and can make sure to set the scenario nicely; this lets you work up some expectation, too, which is sexy. But you can do the same on a more unplanned basis by starting to touch base earlier in the day, sending texts or IMs or phone messages about missing your mate and wanting to get a little love later on. This also lets either one of you reach out to the other whenever you feel like it, and can help keep the fires burning. (Don't do this on work-owned computers or phones, by the way; keep it private.)

The other thing to do is figure out when your optimum times are to give each other more than just a kiss. Can one of you run by the other's workplace at lunch and find some privacy somewhere? Can you get someone to come over a couple of times a week and watch the baby? Can you set the alarm just a few minutes early or grab some time right after you put the baby to bed? This won't be a hard-and-fast schedule, but it's good to be mindful of the most opportune times.

I heard breastfeeding can get in the way of sex. Between the pumping and always having the baby, it can be a problem. Is this something to think about when choosing between the breast and the bottle to feed your baby?

Well, I'd always recommend breast-feeding; it has health benefits that bottle feeding does not. And the fact is, whether breast or bottle, when the baby wants food, you pretty much have to put your focus on your hungry child. As with my answer to the person above who asked about spontaneity, sometimes you really have to look at the cycle of your daily life and how the baby affects it: when is the little one down for a nap? When does s/he go to sleep? Is there a grandma or someone who can watch the kid to give you some alone time? And just remember that many women's partners actually find those lactating breasts bountiful and sexy -- they do not need to be a hindrance to erotic play at all!

From a male perspective, it is difficult to suggest the use of toys or talk about kinky "items" without seeming like a freak to my wife. How can moms facilitate for us men to approach the subject with more confidence?

Partners who have never gotten in the habit of talking to each other about sex and sexual possibility are often in a bind when one of them really has something they want or need to say. Every couple should be able to chat about lovemaking like they chat about what they like for dinner. That's the contribution moms AND dads can make to each other to make all kinds of conversations easier (and, I might add, sexier). That way bringing up toys does not seem unusual or freaky -- just one more erotic thing that might be on the menu.

Although I love my wife's curves, she feels less sexy because of the pregnancy effects to her body. Can you give tips to help her raise self confidence and self image? I know for men this can be a barrier which even if addressed properly is very close/sensitive for women.

Most women really yearn to hear that their partners consider them sexy and desirable, so even if she protests when you tell her that, keep saying it. You probably shouldn't directly reference that she's gotten bigger (no "Baby, there's more of you to love" comments, even if that's really how it feels to you), because she does very likely have a mental picture of what she should look like. But "You're hot just the way you are"? That's a message that reinforces your desire. There are sections in my book Exhibitionism for the Shy: Dress Up, Show Off, and Talk Hot that might be useful to her -- and you might want to get her gifts of sexy clothing, if she wore stuff like that before or is at all willing to put it on now, and compliment her when she wears it.

And if she really wants to get in shape, give her support for that too.

What are creative ways "tease" and turn each other on a budget? The baby is a big financial responsibility now.

Plenty of toys are fairly inexpensive -- you can get a little vibration going on for under $25. If you both like erotic movies, you can now stream them in segments, rather than the whole movie, and sometimes a little bit of frisky viewing is enough to get you in the mood -- that saves money, too. If you like to read to each other, pick out a paperback anthology and spread it out -- read a story or two a week and make it last. (And there are erotic stories online for free -- you can start with the Good Vibes Magazine and keep searching. Or write your own, customized to each other!) Of course the very best thing about sex is that it CAN be done for no money at all, and even if you have to postpone getting a toy or sexy clothes, you can have plenty of delightful fun with hands and mouth and other sensuous body parts while you save up. Don't forget love notes, feeding each other (even if you're just sharing some dinner, that's intimate and sexy), and doing a little striptease for each other while you get ready for bed.

Thanks again to Dr. Carol Queen and the Good Vibrations staff!

Review of Tyler Perry's 'For Colored Girls'

2010-10-25T01:56:00.000-07:00

Tyler Perry may have a lot to prove with his upcoming film “For Colored Girls." Perry is known for his black romantic comedies and critics doubt the filmmaker's writing skills are sharp enough for such a poignant drama. The film is an adaptation of Ntozake Shange's award-winning Broadway play For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf. The powerful work is a collection of, what Shange calls “choreopoems,” about the complexities of black female identity and our struggles. The play debuted in 1974 but her message about black girls blues still resonates today: abuse, infidelity, poverty, sexism, defining our sexuality, fighting for respect. The list goes on. I hoped Perry would successfully take on such a challenging project because of his passion for addressing some of black women's woes. As a black woman who loves movies, I've been thirsting for a good drama starring black actresses for a while. I mean real good like "The Women of Brewster Place" or "Soul Food." Perry chose a stellar cast--Whoopi Goldberg, Janet Jackson, Anika Noni Rose, Phylicia Rashad, Kimberly Elise, Loretta Devine, Thandie Newton, Kerry Washington and Tessa Thompson. His rendition takes place in a modern-day urban America. The acting is solid. Unfortunately, much of the script is not.

The first half of the film tries to connect all of the women through nine storylines. But watching their lives link feels choppy at times as it jumps scene to scene. However it comes together more seamlessly by the second half. Another problem is how Perry incorporates poems from Shange's original work into the script. Kerry Washington plays Kelly, a social worker married to Hill Harper's character Donald. In one scene Kelly explains to Donald she's infertile because of an STD she contracted years ago. She goes into a poem about a lover who cheated on her with one of her college friends: "Three of us like a pyramid. Three friends one laugh, one music, one flowered shawl knotted on each neck..." I read the play prior to watching the film and know this poem. But in this scene the poem doesn’t fit and may confuse some in the audience, especially those unfamiliar with the play. Another instance where prose comes off awkward occurs when Rashad's character Gilda babysits Crystal's (Kimberly Elise) children. Crystal and her husband get into a violent argument next door. Gilda tries to distract the kids and performs a few stanzas about her love for Hatian Revolution leader Toussaint L'Ouverture. It's difficult to pay attention to Gilda while Crystal is screaming and getting pummeled by her alcoholic husband.

The recurrence of dated language is another drawback to the film. The word “colored" appears a few times in the dialogue when actresses perform poetry. Shange wrote the play back in the ‘70s. The film is set in the present and black people don't use the word "colored" anymore. Watching a character type on a laptop then hearing someone describe themselves as a "colored woman" a few scenes later doesn't feel realistic.

"For Colored Girls" isn't all bad. The acting is strong and will not disappoint. Kimberly Elise stirs you as always. Loretta Devine is funny and vivid. Thandie Newton delivers as a troubled, selfish sex addict. She and Whoopi were matched perfectly as a mother and daughter with serious tensions. Singer Macy Gray's eerie portrayal of a back-alley abortionist will make you rethink ever having unsafe sex. It was a hauntingly-good scene and well directed. I felt the nervousness and vulnerability of her pregnant patient. Also, there are instances where Perry effectively integrates Shange’s poems into the script. Yasmin's (Anika Noni Rose) crime report to the police officer, in prose, is almost placid yet intense. Goldberg's and Newton's characters go into a poetic exchange filled with a lot passion and pain. And I enjoyed Devine’s colorful performance about a man almost running off with her "stuff" or her love and self.

"For Colored Girls" is not my favorite Tyler Perry film, but I recommend you see for yourself. Make sure to read the play first. It will help you gain a better understanding of the film. Although I hoped for something better, it was refreshing to watch an ensemble of talented black actresses in non-demeaning roles. Some of the best actresses in the industry are part of the cast. Notice I said not the best black actresses, but the best in general. I appreciate Perry for his effort because I imagine he wanted black women to feel empowered after watching the film. A few scenes moved me. Still, I left the theater feeling a little down because dramas starring black women are rare. A television or movie drama starring a black female cast is about as common as the Texas Rangers going to the World Series. Perry will probably do well at the box office because of the buzz surrounding "For Colored Girls" and his fan following. Hopefully, Hollywood execs will take note and this will be the start of more dramas starring black actresses to come. Hopefully.

My Interview with Sesame Street Writer Who Wrote 'I Love My Hair' Song

2010-10-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

There's my Muppet girl to the left. Love her! I called 'I Love My Hair' a song in the title of this blog post, but I've been singing it like an athem. Yesterday I interviewed Joey Mazzarino, the head writer of Sesame Street for the Huffington Post. He wrote the song to help make his daughter love her curls. It's a touching interview and goes more into depth then some of the stories you may have seen. You never know what impact your actions or work or creativity may have. Read my interview "Sesame Street Writer Pens "I Love My Hair" Song to Empower Daughter." And PLEASE share the article with others on Facebook, Twitter, e-mail, your blog, etc. I love my hair, I love my hair, la, la, la, la.

Questions About Moms Making Time for Sex When The Kids and Babies Are Around

2010-10-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

A reader and mom of an infant recently told me sex after having baby is a myth. With that, I assume the father in this picture is dreaming of sex and the mother is dreaming of more sleep. I don't have any little cocoas flying around here yet. But I remember working in elementary schools as a TA years ago and KIDS ARE WORK. They're fun and cute but they are a lot of work. How do you moms do it?! Speaking of "doing it," I hear some of you moms out there are having a hard time working sex back into your life. And I hear some of the dads are having a hard time getting you to bring the sex back. On Tuesday Oct. 26, I'm heading to adult store Good Vibrations in Berkeley. They're holding a FREE event called Mommy's Playdate to help moms get their groove back. I'll be speaking with with the company's sexologist Dr. Carol Queen. If you or your partner have questions you'd like me to ask Dr. Queen related to balancing kids and a healthy sex life, leave it in the comments section below. Feel free to be anonymous. My LGBT family are also welcome to ask questions too. Thanks to those readers who already submitted questions to me via email and on Facebook!

UPDATE! READ ABOUT MY TIME AT MOMMY'S DATE AND DR. CAROL QUEEN ANSWERS YOUR SEX QUESTIONS HERE

Sesame Street 'I Love My Hair' Video Touches The Little Girl In Me

2010-10-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

Don't need a trip to the beauty shop because I love what I got on top.

Maybe I'm too old to be singing Sesame Street tunes around the house, but this one touched my heart. Who would've thought a little brown muppet with an afro could send such a powerful message. Black women all over the internet are buzzing about this Sesame Street video, "I Love My Hair." I cried the first time I saw it. For centuries black girls have been told our kinky, tight curls are unattractive and not good enough. We've spent countless hours, money pressing, flat ironing, weaving, relaxing our hair. Don't get me started on scalps fried from relaxers and burned ears when the hot comb got too close. But here comes this video from Sesame Street encouraging black girls to love their kinks and coils. I thought it was so funny how, like many sistas, the muppet changed her hairstyle a few times in the video. She went from an afro to a press and curl to braids then locs. LOL! But that's one of the great things about having black hair--versatility. Hey, I've been known to switch up my style a few times.

I will never, ever, EVA forget a particular moment when I covered an interracial dating seminar for black women in Los Angeles. The issue of hair came up and the men on the panel, all non-black, said they didn't care if the black women they dated rocked natural hair. Girrrl, sistas mouths dropped to the floor. One guy said he didn't care if his lady was bald. I could read the women's minds in the audience. All of the money they spent over the years on $300 weaves and $60 touch ups. But these guys are happy if they're women are nappy. That's not to say there aren't brothas who like natural hair too. But it goes to show, we've been going too long not loving what we got on top.

I've been playing with natural styles too, like twists and roller sets. I have a style I named "The Poof," where I put in an extra volume leave-conditioner after washing my hair. Then I press it lightly. My hair swells up like a mushroom and I don't care. It's poofy and nappy and I love it. Men, of ALL races, have given me more attention with "The Poof" then when I was swinging the straight and silky.

Kudos to Sesame Street. If you have a black daughter, niece, sister, mentee, etc please share this video with her. We have to plant the seeds of positive self-image in our girls early. I read comment on youtube from women of other ethnicities with similar texture hair to the muppet. They said the video moved them as well. Spread the word. I LOVE MY HAIR!!

Terry McMillan On Love, Forgiveness and 'Getting to Happy'

2010-10-10T22:35:00.000-07:00

Call it a book signing and reading, but a recent event featuring Terry McMillan felt more like a girlfriends get together. Hundreds of women, and a few men, filed into Berkley's Black Repertory Theater earlier this month, with books in hand, eager to have their copy of McMillan's latest novel "Getting to Happy" signed. Fans were ready to hear McMillan talk about love, life and of course her high-profile divorce. Marcus Books hosted the reading in the packed theater where some guests had to sit on stage. The bestselling author and Bay Area resident was winding down her tour to promote the sequel to the 1992 groundbreaking tale "Waiting to Exhale." The novel, which also became a blockbuster film, follows four black female friends in their 30's as they go through their ups and downs in love. Many black women at that time, felt the book reflected the obstacles black women experience in finding "the one." "In Getting to Happy" the ladies are in their 50's, but life isn't fabulous. Bernadine is battling a prescription drug addiction. Robin finds her job and life boring, but is still holding out for Mr. Right. Gloria, well without giving away too much, things just aren't good. And the passion in Savannah's marriage is evaporating.

'What I do know is I'm tired of feeling navy blue when I have a right to feel lemon yellow,' McMillan, sporting a fiery, red afro, read from Savannah's chapter. McMillan, 58, said she wrote the sequel with middle-aged women in mind to "inspire women who have almost become emotionally dead...and have not given themselves more freedom to enjoy the rest of their lives." She also wanted readers to know that once you hit your 50's, "it's not all downhill from here."

Author Terry McMillan reading to excited fans at the Black Repertory Theater

McMillan's struggles with her own journey to happiness began several years ago after learning her husband, Jonathan Plummer was gay. In 2005 the marriage ended in messy divorce, leaving McMillan angry and hurt.
"I had become someone I didn't even know, " she shared with the audience. When asked how she was able to move on from the past she replied, "If you're being robbed and raped of the beauty of the present, let it go."

According to McMillan, 20th Century Fox bought the movie rights to "Getting to Happy." Three of the original leading actresses from "Waiting to Exhale" are confirmed to reprise their roles--Angela Bassett, Loretta Devine and Lela Rochon. There's no word yet if Whitney Houston will return.

McMillan's route to happiness is taking her away from the Bay Area. The Contra Costa Times reports the author plans to move out of her suburban home in Danville and relocate to more lively cities like Los Angeles and New York. As for love, McMillan told the Berkeley audience she has dated since the divorce and is open to marriage.

"Men should be more like a semicolon and not a period. Although I'm looking for an exclamation point."

*Article also available on CityFlight.com*

Fly Lady of the Day Maragaret Cho

2010-10-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

Comedian and now dancer Margaret Cho was one of my favorite celebs working it on Dancing with the Stars. I loved her dance in tribute to the gay community and gay teens who have taken their lives. The rainbow shimmy dress she wore for the routine was so cute and flirty. But, America voted her off too soon tonight. I was sorry to see her go. So sorry that I teared up with her at the end. But they were also tears of joy because Cho made her dancing dreams come true. She had insecurities about dancing. Growing up Cho got the "fat girl" taunts and teases in school. She thought her body was too big for dance. But she finally turned off those negative tapes, turned up the music and glided across the floor. And she was great! Cho blogged a few weeks ago:

I want to do this for myself, the little girl in me who wants to be a beautiful princess – who wants to be seen and heard and loved and praised. I want to do this for all the girls who have been told they are not perfect – who have been told they are ugly and fat – who know deep inside that they are not those things… it’s so hard to face your own insecurity and doubts and fears. I really feel like I am doing that.
I love when a woman embraces her body, takes on her fears and dances to her own tune. Despite the naysayers, haters and her own doubts Cho gathered the courage to pursue her dream. Now that's a fly lady.

Author Travels Europe to Trace the Roots of Dracula

2010-09-29T01:07:00.000-07:00

Vampires aren't my thing. Actually, horror movies period aren't my thing. "Twilight" and other vampire media have unleashed serious fangdamonia (get it?) recently. The obsession is not a big surprise to me because there's been a huge cult-following of vampires for years. Hollywood and the book industry are just now figuring that out. I'm not biting because I'm a scaredy cat. I couldn't sleep in my bed for a week after I saw Fright Night back in 1986. I wasn't crazy about The Count from Sesame Street either.

Childhood fears aside, Cocoa Fly can't resist a good story. Author Steve Unger is a huge vampire fan and actually traveled to Europe to research the roots of the original blood-loving seducer Count Dracula. Unger shares his adventure through England and Romania in his book, "In The Footsteps of Dracula: A Personal Journey and Travel Guide." He writes of his experience scouring graveyards and castles, while also providing travel information to readers also interested in packing up to explore the history and sites that inspired writer Bram Stoker's creation of the Dracula character. I met Unger recently at a random trip to Borders Bookstore. He was signing books and during our chat I became fascinated about his travels. I may not like vampires but I love a traveler. He has bicycled in Madrid and London. During his college years Unger was an exchange student at the historically black college Tuskegee University in Alabama. This was during the Civil Rights Movement and he was the only white student there at that time. Unger worked with other students, teaching farmers how to read. Traveling to dig up Dracula was the cherry on top for me.

Back to vampire stuff...Unger explains Bram Stoker built the Dracula character on real-life Romanian Prince Vlad Dracula The Impaler from the 1400's. The prince lived in a castle, was born in Transylvania and exercised harsh punishment on his enemies. Unger hiked to Prince Vlad's fortress and was a bit creeped out by the auroa:

*But let's get back to Poenari, the real Castle of Dracula. I had traveled to other remote, forbidding places. But never before or since have I felt the apprehension and isolation I did while climbing to Vlad Ţepeş' mountaintop fortress at Poenari. The forest was as quiet as a tomb; I can't recall hearing the song of even a single bird...Of all the places I explored that are associated with Vlad Ţepeş, only at Poenari did I feel that he was somehow still keeping watch. Thousands of boyars and their families had been force-marched there from Tărgovişte to die rebuilding the castle for Prince Vlad... And it was here that Prince Dracula's wife cast herself from the highest window of the eastern tower, choosing a swift death over the torture of the stake.

Fortress Ruins at Poenari*

Kind of eerie and cool. We usually don't associate history with pop culture, but Unger is giving historical context of the origins of vampire mythology. As someone who loves history, I find that pretty interesting. But I'll leave the vampire searching to him.

"In the Footsteps of Dracula" is available on Amazon.com.

If you're in California Steven P. Unger is holding booksigning at the following:

Saturday, October 16th, 2010 from 1:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. Borders, 2765 E. Bidwell St., Folsom CA 95630 (916) 984-5900

Sunday, October 17th, 2010 from 2:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. Copperfield's Books Petaluma, 140 Kentucky St., Petaluma, CA 95404 (707) 762-0563

*Parts of this article previously appeared in Romar Traveler and Patricia's Vampire Notes

No Wedding No Womb: Sista Stop Settling for the Sperm

2010-09-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

No Wedding No Womb is a cyber movement featuring 100 black bloggers speaking out against the high percentage of African-American children born out of wedlock, fatherlessness in the community and to encourages black women to be more sexually responsible. Writer Christelyn Karazin of the blog Beyond Black and White is the brains behind NWNW. Below is CocoaFly.com's contribution...

R&B singer Kelly Price has a new song I play when my soul needs to vent called “Tired.” Price gives me chills when she belts how she’s tired of everything from lies and paying bills to keeping it real. Well, I’m tired too. I’m TIRED of sistas settling for the sperm. Too many black children are coming into this world fatherless. We’ve bought into this false idea hurting our community that BABY - MARRIAGE = BLACK WOMAN’S FATE. While many sistas desire to be “Mrs. So and So” one day, some of us think the title “Baby Mama” is the best we can do. Instead of setting our sights on true love, marriage and commitment from a man, we settle for his sperm and make babies. We all know the sista who settles for the sperm. She’s working the register at JC Penney and making moves at JP Morgan. She’s our girlfriend in love with the guy who isn’t ready to settle down. But she gives her womb and heart to him anyway. She’s the neighbor who takes out her frustrations from her past mistakes on her child. “You no good just like your daddy!” she yells to her kid over and over. But everyone on the block, including her, knew the guy was a loser. He never had time for his other kids and only made time for her when in the mood. But she settled for the sperm and a swollen belly. Both of these scenarios often have the same ending. She’s due in nine months. He’s gone. As for the baby, he or she may see their dad a few times. It’s no surprise Daddy split. He wasn’t serious nor reliable when they were dating. So why would he be there for his child?

I understand things happen. Condoms break and faulty birth control pills work more like Skittles than sperm blockers. Or the baby’s father was supportive in the beginning but did a 180 and vanished. Those cases aren’t settling for the sperm. They’re “oopsies.” I’m not putting all of the blame on this crisis on sistas, nor am I attacking single black mothers. Men who make babies they don’t care for need to be responsible. And not all black kids from single-parent households are troubled. But some of us women are more selective about which shoes to buy for a Trey Songz concert then we are about the men we bring into our lives. We’re so thirsty for love that even when “the one” won’t put a ring on it, we still let him put it in. And the overwhelming consequences in our community are fatherless boys with no map to manhood so they turn to the streets. And Daddy-less girls search for a father-figure in any man who’ll give them attention. Then the sperm-settling cycle continues.

But what really, really makes me TIRED is how the black community accepts fatherless homes as the norm. A girlfriend told me when she attended a family reunion relatives asked when were she and her boyfriend planning to have children. My friend responded, “Can we talk about marriage first?” I’ve shocked people when I told them I’m in my early 30s and have no children. One brotha asked me, “How did you do that?” But he didn’t miss a beat when I said I wasn’t married.

Some think black women have a better chance of finding a purple unicorn than a man who will say“ I Do” before we tell him, “I’m due.” The media, your family or friends may have implied you’re not marriage material because men don’t like black women. And just be happy that any dude with most of his teeth and enough sperm to give you a few babies is interested in you. All are FALSE. I’m aware when it comes to who exemplifies womanhood, society rates black women toward the bottom. And I know since slavery, black women’s bodies have been seen as “baby-making factories.” But this internalization of ourselves must stop. As Maya Angelou wrote in the poem "Our Grandmothers",” …my description cannot fit your tongue, for I have a certain way of being in this world.”

So sista define yourself as being worthy--worthy of good , stable love and joy. Set your sights for that man who you KNOW will be a good partner to you AND a great father to your children. Until you find him, use a condom. Please. The Black Girls Blues soundtrack of single and lonely with kids is not your destiny. Michelle Obama, Holly Robinson-Peete, Iman and countless sistas around the globe can attest to that. Sista, you don’t have to settle for the sperm.

Fly with Cocoa Fly on Facebook & Twitter

Girrrrrl Tell Him 'No Wedding No Womb'

2010-09-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

Have you heard?

On Wednesday Sept, 22nd roughly 100 black bloggers are going to fire up the blogosphere with posts about how 70 percent of black children are born out of wedlock. The movement is No Wedding No Womb . I'm excited about this. Christelyn Krazin over at Beyond Black & White came up with the idea. This sista has gone all out with the help of other bloggers. There's even a theme song and video you can check out below. Shout out to Lorraine Spencer over at Black American Brides for writing the lyrics. Cocoa Fly is bringing her opinion to the mix. My post deals with sperm...kinda. You have to check back this Wednesday to read my post "Sista Stop Settling for the Sperm."

I grew up in a single-parent home and this one issue I'm very passionate about, especially as it pertains to the black community. My mother did an excellent job raising me. Still, having a good father in the home is important in a child's life. Fathers are a girl's or boy's first example of manhood. I had a relationship with my father but he lived six hours away and wasn't around to do things like teach me how to ride a bike or threaten my prom dates when they came to pick me up. At least I know my father and his side of the family because some kids raised solely by their mothers have never seen their father. Everyone should know where they come from.

Remember: Wednesday, CocoaFly.com and No Wedding No Womb. You can see both sites for my post. Until then, here's a taste of what to expect:

No Wedding No Womb Theme Song! by LJpress

Dreaming and Hooked on Andy Allo

2010-09-20T00:54:00.001-07:00

My blog hasn't blown up yet, but it's getting there. One of my favorite artists who I KNOW is going to blow up is Andy Allo. I don't feature artists on here if I don't think they're special. Andy is super-duper-crazy talented and I play her CD UnFresh when I want to mellow out. Trust me, between hustling a blog and pitching news stories, I need to mellow out often. One day Andy will be touring with the likes of Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, The Roots, Maxwell etc. See for yourself in her latest video "DreamLand" featuring rapper Blu. And peep her earlier-released video of one my favorite songs from Andy's album, "Hooked."

That beauty of Andy's you see on the outside is just as radiant on the inside. Check my interview with her here and you'll see what I'm talking about.

Guess Where Cocoa Fly Has Landed?

2010-09-18T23:03:00.000-07:00

Here's a clue....

Get It? Mc Hammer. He's a rapper from Oakland. So Cocoa Fly has landed in...

Los Angeles was a fun ride. The beaches, celebs, parties, friends, shopping and the sunshine were hard to give up. But one major thing missing was a J-O-B. I love LA. But being jobless in LA, well, how should I put it? It SUCKED. The recession had a sista packing her bags and heading back to where Cocoa Fly first got her swag--Oakland. Also known as The O, The Town or for those who partied in the 90s, OakTown. But I'm excited to be back and spread Cocoa Fly's wings even farther. In the weeks few I've been home I met a cool author who traveled to Europe to write a book on the history of Dracula (I'll tell you about him in a future post), wrote a blog post about single black mothers for the No Wedding No Womb cyber movement set to happen next Wednesday, Sept. 22nd (the title of my post includes the word "sperm"), hit up a few family parties, got a nice email from London blogger Sober In The Cauldron (Hammer lyric: "I've toured around the world from London to the Bay"), was invited to cover Good Vibrations Indie Erotic Film Festival in San Francisco, made some Hollywood connections (keep your fingers crossed on this one) and got some much, much, much needed R&R. Speaking of rest, I'm sure the victims of the San Bruno gas line explosion could use some rest. My prayers and positive energy are going out to them.

Special shout out to Oakland Voices' project coordinator for helping a sista in her moving process. And another shout out to MC Hammer. Why? Because I'm from Oakland and I love Hammer. Before Puffy, Jay Z, etc., Hammer was one of the earlier rappers to make hip hip mainstream. And he did it while keeping his lyrics clean.

Cocoa Fly is READY to soar in the Bay Area and beyond. Keep flying with me. It's going to be fun.

Cher Turns Back Time With Fierce Outfit at MTV Video Music Awards

2010-09-12T23:46:00.000-07:00

If you read the post below you know I've been a busy bee, well a busy Cocoa Fly. I'm still unpacking and settling in my new spot, which I will reveal to you very soon. But I had to take a break from the boxes because I heard the OG (original goddess) of fierceness herself, Cher, made an appearance at the MTV Video Music Awards tonight. Like many of the Cher costumes we love from back in day, this outfit only took one spool of thread to make. It looks like a throwback to If I Could Turn Back Time video. Not bad for a woman in her mid- 60's. I know Cher has had some help from a scalpel to slow down the aging process. But I don't care. She's Sixty and Sexy. I love a woman who lives by her own rules and Cher does just that. Girl, you go.

PMS + Moving = A Bad Combination

2010-08-31T22:24:00.000-07:00

I hate, hate, hate, hate moving. Boxes, tape, bubble wrap, ugh--can't stand any of it. Having PMS while moving doesn't help either. I scheduled my move around my period but Aunt Flow may visit earlier than expected (perfect timing Mother Nature). When you have PMS everything in life is amplified. The weather seems warmer than what the weatherman reports. Your boobs are sweaty and tender. Everything is crashing at once and everyone wants to mess with Y-O-U. When you're going through drawers and cabinets it seems like you have more junk in your apartment than you ever realized. Okay that's not PMS. I really did have too much stuff. Some Goodwill shopper will benefit from the tiger ears and tail I wore last Halloween. My junk pile probably would have been worse if I had a fulltime job. Where will Cocoa Fly rest her wings? I'll let you know when I get there. The process has been fairly smooth, with the exception of a little drama here and there. I'm moving soon and will not be blogging for a few days. Until then enjoy the Labor Day weekend. Mine will be super-absorbent busy with Always wings, Motrin and bubble wrap ;)

Make a Dream Come True Vote For Andy Allo

2010-08-25T22:58:00.000-07:00

Earlier this year I interviewed singer Andy Allo. You can see her interview here. She's working hard at making her dreams of stardom come true. Andy needs our votes to be casted on the reality show "If I Can Dream." It's from the creators of American Idol. The show follows talented people working hard in Hollywood to make it big. Andy is sooooo talented and she's soooo nice. She has a good head on her shoulders and is very driven. Vote for her here. We have until August 31st. And check out her CD UnFresh. It's one of those CDs I listen to when I'm sipping on a glass of Stella Rosa and just want to unwind. Good luck Andy!!!

P.S--You can also hear Andy's music on the Cocoa Fly podcast.

When Was The First Time You Felt Like a Woman?

2010-08-19T23:51:00.001-07:00

The reason why I ask is because I was watching an Oprah episode where the question of, "When did you first realize you were a man?" came up. And it made me question when did I first feel like a woman.

You become a woman when you start your period. The first time you have sex makes you a woman. Womanhood really begins once you get married and have children. You're officially a woman at 18. When you move out of your mama's house and start paying your own bills, that's when you've become a woman.

These were some of the milestones I was told growing up that takes a girl from ponytails and baby dolls to womanhood. Most of them missed the mark. I did not feel like a woman when I first started my period. The only things I felt that week were stomach cramps. As for losing my virginity in my 20's, no "Welcome to Womanhood" bells there. It's hard for me to pinpoint one significant moment marking my womanhood. College courses on black feminism and the black female body had a major impact on how I felt the world perceived me as a woman of color. I've said it before, Dorothy Roberts Killing the Black Body was a life-changing book for me. Through those courses I gained a greater appreciation of women's rights. Also in college I learned to embrace my prissiness which is a part of my own femininity and womanhood.

My relatives were right about leaving home and paying your bills makes you feel grown. I left home for college, but finishing graduate school and working as a news producer made me feel even more like a woman. My wardrobe went from Forever 21 to the INC dept at Macy's. I bought suits and a spiffy Samsonite garment bag suitcase for business travel. You know you mean business when you need a garment bag for your suits. I was making money, paying my bills, getting my hair and nails done regularly, dating and loving the the night life--ahhhh womanhood tastes great. A few years later the big R crashes my party--Recession. No job, barely making my bills and the Samsonite luggage is collecting dust because the business trips are on standby. Now I'm in the "Ain't got no" phase. "I ain't go no man. I ain't got no money. I ain't got no job." NOOOOOOO! This is the phase of womanhood where I really learned how much strength I really had inside. I also had to learn being a woman means allowing people to help you when they offer. It was also a reminder that things and lifestyle don't make the money. I learned how to do my own hair and walk past the Coach bag store without looking in the window. Oh and I can stretch a dollar from here to Venus. Womanhood is tasting like bitter medicine. My face scrunches up after taking every tablespoon, but I'll feel better in the end.

Which leads to me to what I think is a very, pivotal moment in a woman's life. A moment that really shapes you as a woman. You don't give a sh*t what people think. It's the best feeling. For some it happens in their 30s, others as late as their 80s. I'm 31 now and the older I get the less I care what people think. If she doesn't like me, so what. They have a problem with my hair. Well they're not paying for my salon visits so forget them. Can't handle how I live my life? Like Sinatra said, "I did it my way." Putting yourself first and ignoring those who judge is one of the best and most liberating feelings. We women put ourselves last. Tuning out the nay-sayers or saying no to someone who asks you to do something you know you don't want to do--ahhh womanhood is tasting sweeter again. I'm not arguing to not take into consideration people's feelings or hurt them, but if your decision is not the end of the world then live your life. Since holding this freeing belief, I've felt more and more connected to myself as a human and as a woman. And I appreciate that woman in the mirror a little more.

When did you first feel like a woman?

Dr. Laura Calls It Quits She Should Use The Down Time to Get a Counseling Degree and Take Ethnic Studies Classes

2010-08-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

I'm super busy right now packing so I'm going to make this post about Dr. Laura "Drop The N-Word Like It's Hot" Schlessinger short. I spent many rides home from high school listening to physilogist, no counseling degree-having Dr. Laura in my mother's car. She loves Dr. Laura (not sure how she feels now) but I'm not a big fan of hers. I often thought she lacked compassion with her guests and talked down to them. And I can't respect anyone who sits on a pedestal of morals, rips people for their mistakes, yet their past includes taking nude pictures and reportedly having an affair with a married man. None of us are perfect, but do not pretend you never got wild or made mistakes. I was really done with her when she compared homosexuality to pedophilia. Still her N-word tirade was a bit shocking. I read the transcript from this infamous call and what annoyed me was not just the N-word, but how she treated the caller thta came to her for help. The caller, a black woman named Jade, was upset because her white husband's family and friends say racists things to her and her man does nothing. Instead of helping this poor woman, Dr. Laura throws it in her face and told her she was being too sensitive about the matter. That's how you treat someone looking for help and trusts your opinion? And then she kept rubbing it in with the NAACP comment and says she doesn't understand why she can't say the N-word because rappers and comedians on HBO say it all of the time. Like I've said many times on this blog--BLACK PEOPLE ARE NOT A MONOLITH!!!!! BET, LIL' WAYNE, JAY Z, CHRIS ROCK, CHRIS BROWN, OJ SIMPSON, R. KELLY, ETC. DO NOT REPRESENT ALL BLACK PEOPLE. There are black people who find the word offensive and don't use it to describe themselves. And what does that say about where Dr. Laura gets her information on culture? She refers to foolishness from comedians and rappers for information on the black community. She writes books, but has she read any on black culture? I guess Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, Bill Cosby, Audre Lorde, Dorothy Height, Cornell West and others of that caliber are resources that are out of the question because you can't learn a lot about them just by clicking your remote to HBO.

With that said or shouted, I hear Dr. Laura is "quitting" her radio show at the end of the year. She says she's not going away but wants to do something else that will allow her to exercise her rights of free speech and say what's on her heart. Hmmm, she gets flack for saying the N-word, but says she's leaving the airwaves for more freedom of speech? So is she going to the internet to drop the N-word and the spread homophobia at her leisure? She'll probably do an Imus and sign a radio deal with another company. Don't be surprised if she returns with a more political conservative show because I've she talks more about politics than gives advice. How funny that on her blog she says she's been receiving hate-filled letters. Well, like attracts like. You speak hate and then you draw it to you.

I will not miss Dr. Laura, nor her homophobic and racially ignorant beliefs. Although I shouldn't be complaining because according to Dr. Laura black people have no more hardships now that our U.S. president is black. Although, we have three women sitting on the Supreme Court and last I checked when sexism is still alive and thriving. I didn't hear women were getting paid as much as men since a third woman was appointed to the High Court. And I didn't get my 30 acres after Pres. Obama's inauguration. But I digress.

On the last day of her show I think gays, bisexual, lesbians and interracial couples all over the country should have off the chart love making. And black callers flood her lines singing the Black National Anthem. Or you can do both at the same time if you really want to express yourself. No seriously, I think Dr. Laura should actually study counseling since she likes dishing out advice. And while she's at it, take a few classes on race and cut down on watching Mel Gibson. Sounds like she needs it.

Mitrice Richardson Didn't Have to Die

2010-08-13T01:04:00.000-07:00

I love living in Los Angeles. From the sunny days and popping night life to the beaches and cultural diversity-- I ♥ LA. But I'm not loving how the safety of black women has been handled by SOME of our law officials. That's not to say there aren't any great officers, because there are some great men and women protecting our neighborhoods. But I have a few concerns. I've lived here for six years. Only a year or two ago I learned of a serial killer preying on black women in South Los Angeles for two decades. Ummm, I'm black, female and live near South LA. I didn't see one flier from the LAPD warning women in the community to watch their backs. Thank God the police caught the alleged killer recently. Then I learn the one-year search for Mitrice Richardson, 24, has come to a tragic end. The story is complex but basically Mitrice was arrested last year in Malibu for not paying a $89 dinner tab at a Malibu restaurant. A worker at the restaurant told police the college graduate was talking crazy as if she were on drugs. A black woman from South LA eats an expensive dinner in ritzy Malibu but can't cover it? That right there tells me something wasn't right with her. The Malibu sheriffs arrested her and later released her in the middle of the night.
For those who've never been to Malibu, it's very beautiful with a lot of cliffs, canyons and of course the ocean. The Malibu sheriffs released a young woman, who we later discover is bi-polar, late at night with no cellphone, ID, car nor money. I prayed she was alive but authorities announced Thursday they found her remains . What really upset me was LA County Sheriff Lee Baca's press conference. The family reportedly found out Mitrice's remains were discovered FROM THE MEDIA. How dehumanizing and inconsiderate. When a reporter asked him why wasn't the family informed properly( you can watch the exchange here), Baca frustratingly replied, "I just get informed a half an hour ago. You expect me to tell the father immediately?"

YES Sherriff Baca you call the father immediately when you find his daughter's body. God forbid if that were your loved one, would you want to learn their remains were discovered in a canyon at the same time as CNN??????? Since when is the family of a missing person not given time to grieve before the news is released to the press?

The family has complained about how authorities have handled this case. I shed tears when I heard Mitrice's body has been decomposing in a ravine all of this time. The sheriffs say Mitrice wasn't drunk or high so they let her go. The girl was bi-polar, how could they not have detected something was wrong? If they held her until her mother came the next morning, she would be alive today. Then there's the issue of press coverage. Mitrice's story didn't hit many TV news channels outside of Los Angeles. When women of color go missing we don't get the same coverage as an Elizabeth Smart or a Jon Benet. Some think Mitrice is getting more coverage than other missing women of color because she was a beauty queen.

Mitrice had three strikes against her that night--she was black, female and mentally ill. Dumping the mentally ill onto the streets is a big problem in LA. Then the question becomes if Mitrice was a white woman would the sheriffs have released her out into the night alone? Did they see Mitrice as some crazy black girl from the hood and didn't consider her safety? I bet if there was a serial killer targeting white women in Los Angeles, I would see it on the news everyday until the killer was found. Is every missing white woman the top news story? No. But when the news media do cover a missing person, often she's not of color. Sojourner's question still hold's today, " But ain't I a woman? "

Between the serial killers targeting black women in LA and Cleveland, the NAACP throwing Shirley Sherrod under the bus, domestic violence and HIV in our community and so much more--I feel black women have a lot of battles to fight. By battles I mean those inside and outside of the black community. Slavery ended over 100 years ago, but this idea of the black female as disposable still exists. She's sick and diseased, she's promiscuous, she's overweight, she's unmarriageable , she's black, --she's not important. And it's a idea held with non-black people and black people.

My heart hurts for the Richardson family. Another black woman left defenseless. Another black woman left to die. Rest In Peace Mitrice Richardson. Your life didn't deserve to end this way.

Montana Fishburne Can Learn A Lot From Fantasia

2010-08-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

In the words of Flo Evans from Good Times, "Damn, Damn, DAMN." Once again Fantasia is making headlines over her personal drama. This time, she allegedly tried to kill herself by overdosing on aspirin and sleeping pills. I wish her the best so she can overcome whatever is going on with her. Fantasia has had her ups and downs with money, record sales, family and love. I think Montana Fishburne can learn something from Fantasia's alleged suicide attempt. Laurence Fishburne's daughter is so thirsty for fame that she's willing to follow in the ~~bed sheet prints~~ footsteps of Kim Kardashian and have sex on tape to get it. And who cares porn=unprotected sex=3 letters (sometimes)? Montana's looking at the bigger picture--magazine covers and endorsing diet products. Why didn't she use daddy's connections is beyond me. I don't know if they have a close relationship. But this is the kind of thinking we have in a society where people with no talent become famous:

I'll just screw some dudes on camera, get people to like me and have a TV show and launch a clothing line.

What Montana and other youngins' like her don't get is fame isn't always diamonds, Cristal and yachts. Ask Kelly Clarkson, Janet Jackson or Miley Cyrus. They all have phenomenal careers but are open about the drawbacks. Just from living in LA and meeting people in the business, I see the entertainment industry is just as merciless as it is glamorous. I'm not crazy about the idea of Montana's sex tape. But I'm more concerned about how she's using the stuff between her ears and not necessarily her legs. Can she handle the criticism and gossip from writers and bloggers? Will she differentiate between people who care about her and those wanting to use her for money, fame, access to the glam life? Will she choose trustworthy managers and accountants for her team? What about surrounding herself with people who won't sell her out to the tabloids for a few grand? I'm just scratching the surface because there's a whole lot of other stuff she needs to know that I have no knowledge about.

Now let's look at Fantasia. The girl has talent but I question her judgment. And I'm not saying this to be harsh on Fantasia but I'm just telling it like it is. She almost lost her home because she didn't make good financial decisions. When starring in the "Color Purple" musical, she didn't tell Oprah, OPRAH of all people, that she was skipping performances because of a growth in her throat. Then there's the family/ money drama I saw on the few episodes of her VH1 reality show. And now she's dating a married man, who she thought was separated, and the wife is suing her for splitting the marriage. Plus there's a rumored sex tape. See Montana, sex tapes can break you. Fantasia has gone through a lot in her life with rape, abuse, becoming a young mother, and illiteracy. And then her world changes overnight with American Idol. And so she's not making the right choices and it's hurting both her personal life and career. This is what I mean about having the sense and brains to handle fame. Rule #1 When he says he's separated, RUN like Coach is giving away free purses to the first 50 customers at their stores. IF HE'S SEPARATED THEN HE'S STILL MARRIED. Rule #2--Don't mess up a good thing with Oprah.
But the big rule overall is get help when you need it. People joke in Hollywood about having shrinks but I hope Fantasia is getting counseling.

What Fantasia could really use is a Kris Jenner. Kim's mom is one of the reasons why Kardashian is a household name. Judging from what I see on the Kardashian's reality shows ( my guilty pleasures, especially Kourtney and Khloe's show) Mama Kris calls a lot of the shots and makes the business deals. She and her team figured how to spin Kim's image away from Ray J and The Magic Shower Show. Now when we see Kim K we think of Reggie Bush, her beauty and curves, the reality show and her sisters. Why? Because Kim K. said she was a victim in the sex-video scandal and was unknowingly recorded. That's different than Montana's plan of "I'm gonna intentionally have sex on camera so I can blow up."

Contrary to what Montana may think, it wasn't just the sex tape that made Kim Kardashian a celebrity and business woman. Kim K. and Mama Kris had enough sense to find the right people to help them captialize on the scandal. Don't forget that rumored pre-nup Khloe got out of her marriage to Lamar Odom. I bet Kris made sure her girl was taken care of. Forget Kobe, Mama Kris is who you want on your team.

Montana can shake it, slap it, flip it and rub it down all she wants. But if she doesn't have the sense and the tools to survive in the biz, her fame won't last longer than 15 minutes and a 1-900 sex line commercial. Depending on how she plays the game she could end up like a Fantasia or a Kim Kardashina. You don't need to make a sex tape to make it big. Sure it worked for Kim and Paris. But Oprah, Tyra, Martha Stewart, Rachel Ray, Miley Cyrus and Beyonce seem to be doing just fine without one.

Pigging Out at the Orange County Fair

2010-08-11T01:16:00.000-07:00

I know, I know...Cocoa Fly knows better. And Michelle Obama would be very disappointed. But while the First Lady was away in Spain I thought this was the perfect time to cheat. Sorry Lady O, but the BBQ was calling me. Hey, it's summer time, I was at the Orange County Fair and I wanted some JUNK. I've been good all year with exercising and incorporating flax seed into my diet. But eating half of a barbecued chicken like I was a king from the Medieval era wasn't too bad, right? And it's not like I ate a fried Twinkie or anything. Ok, I'm lying I ate a fried Twinkie. I hate to admit it but that Twinkie was hella good. The only reason why I didn't take a picture was because I was too busy munching on it. My friend and I split it so we didn't feel to guilty. But boy did we have fun. And boy did our stomachs pay for the price later that night. Back to flax seed for me.
Enjoy my food journey at the Orange County Fair which ends this weekend.

The fair organizers are smart because the food was very close to the entrance gates. The instant I walked into the fair, the barbecue aroma danced right into my nose. There were about six cooks lined against the walkway over enormous pits grilling chicken, ribs and shish kabobs. I've been in LA six years and that was probably the best barbecue I've had since living here.

My friend ordered shish kabob because she wanted some veggies. You know, to make herself feel better about how we were eating. I even took a few bites of her veggies. But look at those huge pieces of chicken. LOL

I can't believe people were buying deep fried butter. Check out the "Widow Maker" garlic butter fries special at the bottom of the photo. It says, "Fried in oil with bacon drippings & drenched in garlic butter." One Cocoa Fly reader asked me if there was anything not fried at the fair. I told her the paper napkins.

This little guy ate much healthier than everyone at the fair. For once, I should have been eating like a pig. I'm sure hay and grass is better for you than fried Twinkies. Oh, but he doesn't know what he's missing with those Twinkies. And out of respect to him, I didn't eat the chocolate covered bacon. FYI that little piggy is three months old.

This ride is crazy. At the other end of the beam is another cluster of seats. The beam goes around in a circle really fast. And as it's moving, the cluster of seats at the end is rocking back and forth and spinning upside down. This ride was one of the tallest at the fair.
I must say that the fair has gotten really expensive. That funnel cake at the top of this post was $8.50 and my BBQ with fries was $11. Plus admission is $1o. Maybe that's just how it is in California. If you're going to the fair on the weekend, expect to spend about $50/person, especially if you plan on hitting the rides and playing carnival games.

So I may have redeemed myself with this chocolate dipped, peanut-coated frozen banana. This frozen treat was probably the healthiest thing I ate all day. And it was good.

How did Cocoa Fly end her long day at the fair? A shot of cherry flavored Mylanta with a few, "What was I thinking groans?" and a smile on my face.

Now that I've shared some of my junk food favorites tell me yours. What are some of the MUST HAVE treats you eat when going to the fair? And if you've had the fried butter, chocolate bacon, etc. do tell how they taste.

Janelle Monae's New Video COLD WAR

2010-08-05T22:17:00.000-07:00

"Cold War" is one of the songs I keep on repeat when I'm jamming to futuristic funky diva Janelle Monae. The song, from her ArchAndroid album, is about the struggle of being an individual and not following the crowd.

So you think I'm alone?
But being alone's the only way to be
When you step outside
You spend life fighting for your sanity

This is a cold war
You better know what you're fighting for
This is a cold war
Do you know what you're fighting for?

"Cold War" is kind of along the lines of the "Group Think" theory Erykah Badu addresses in "Window Seat." I recently turned 31 and the great thing about getting older is the less I care about what others think. And the more I realize I can't make everyone happy. When I first decided to name this blog Cocoa Fly, some people thought I should name it something else. But I followed my heart and most people tell me they like the name of my blog when they first hear it. And I'm so happy I ignored a professor at my journalism school who told me I didn't have the right voice for radio. Thank goodness I had enough sense to do what I KNEW was right.
That's not to say I don't take others feelings into consideration. I know my actions, big or small, can affect many. But as my grandmother says, "Child, you can't always listen to folks because they'll have you running." Think about it. What if Prince, Barbara Streisand, Terry McMillan, Cosmo magazine founder Helen Gurley Brown, Jospehine Baker and others followed the crowd? Ask yourself are you living to please yourself or others?

Check out the "Cold War" video below. The whole video is closeup of Monae. She actually dropped the tux in this one. I wish more people would look past her signature tuxedos because she's really beautiful. Notice her rich brown skin and the angles of her facial bone structure. Makes me want to use my Mary Kay mask tonight ;)